Oct 5, 2012- Spending French class complaining about Alex

So here we are again, in french class in that stupid language lab. I feel like I'm at an office job, with the way this room is set up. I swear I feel like watching grass grow would be more entertaining then this. We are supposed to be putting different amounts of money in a converter, and writing what they come out to be, but I don't see how that is at all beneficial to me, or anyone else in this class. therefore I am not going to do it. As far as Alex is concerned, I've decided that I am just going to go about my life, and stop trying to make plans with him, and if he would like to see me then he can figure it out. But I am certainly not going to sit around like his little puppy, waiting for there owner to come home and play with them. Me and Lorraine, were going to have a "sleepover" and stay out all night, but he more doesn't trust her enough to let her go anywhere (for good reasons). So I think if Alex doesn't call I am just going to go hang out with Julia... Vienna also asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I might go do that too, because Julia can't hang out until 5... And well you know how Alex said he could stay over this weekend, because the check ups for his parole haven't started yet? Well now he is all like, "Well babe, I don't even know anymore..." Like you don't know what? How hard is it to make a freaking plan and stick to it, its not freaking rocket science. Gosh, sometimes I wish so badly I could go back to the days where Alex and I saw each other everyday, and he called me non stop, and would write cute statuses on Facebook about me. I know I complained a lot then, but I swear I would give anything to go back to those days, lately I feel like I don't even know where I stand anymore. He honestly doesn't do anything, I'm the one who goes out of her way to see him, and is constantly trying to make plans with him, and he doesn't do dick squat. Even that day when I didn't go to school and I said I was going to go all the way to Brookline to see him after school...He didn't think of all the effort I was making, he just responded with, "Well, I might leave school early, because I don't really feel like being here." Like honestly, if it were me I would suck whatever, up because I would be so thrilled that at the end I would get to see the person I love. But lately he hasn't been the same, he is high all the time, and barely goes to class, I wish he could take a step back and see that he is throwing his life away. Everyone knows that I love him a lot, and would do anything to make this work, but there is only so much a person can take, and I'm starting to get sick of all this crap. Like I know I complain constantly, but that is because nothing ever changes with him. For Alex, it's all about Alex. He doesn't ever take anyone's feeling into consideration. I can't stand how self centered he is, every single time we go somewhere he expects me to pay for him. AND STILL, he hasn't taken me to a movie, I freaking blatantly asked his last weekend, but since it isn't something he wants, it doesn't matter to him. Like every time he screws up, he goes "I am going to make this up to you." But not once has he ever made anything up to me. Like I said, he probably doesn't remember the movie thing, because its not something HE wants to do, or if he does remember he probably just thinks that I love him too much to walk away so he doesn't have to do anything for me because I'm not going to say anything. This has been my biggest problem since the beginning, and I keep thinking I've come to terms with it, but maybe I never will, and Alex obviously is never going to change. Therefore I need to decide if it is something I can look past or not, and if not then maybe Alex isn't the guy for me, and as much as it will kill me, maybe I should just walk away, because in the end of the day, the only person who ends up constantly feeling like shit is me, because I keep thinking things will be different when they wont. And Alex doesn't care one way or another, because as long as everything is on his terms (which it always is) then everything is fine... And Alex saying that's just not who is is, well nobody ever wants to put themselves out, but when you love someone you do things that you don't necessarily want to be doing to make the other person happy. And if Alex seriously can't look beyond himself for one day, then maybe I'm better off with out him.