Oct 13, 2012- Thats not what I meant!

I hate this, I'm so bad at expressing my feelings. I wish I could just say my feelings are hurt...But I can't instead I just get mean, and say things I don't mean to say. I can't help it, I try so hard to tell Alex how I feel but I can't, instead I just say a bunch of mean things. I hate how things are now, I wish I was the one on restriction, because then at least Alex could come over and see me... but I can never go to his house because I'm not invited. Thinking back, I honestly can't think of one relationship which didn't end with the person hating me. Because I've never been able to just admit when I'm hurt, I always have to put up a wall and just act bitchy, and since I don't tell the person what they did wrong they just think I am acting like a bitch for no reason. Like the night Alex had to work late, and I was really mad. From his end he was probably thinking, 'wow she is mad because I have to work.' but what he didn't know is that he had said early that day he was going to take me to a movie when he got out of work, and it would probably be around 7. And of course I was really excited because even though I would never tell Alex this but I've always wanted him to take me on an actual date, because even though I love Alex so much, and wouldn't trade him for the world, sometimes I miss being treated like a princess but whatever guy I would be dating at the time. So anyway I spent like 2 hours getting all dressed up, trying on a hundred different outfits, and then sat there waiting and waiting for him to call... Finally I couldn't wait any longer, so I called him, and when he answered he told me that he couldn't make it after all, because he had to work later then he thought. It wasn't the fact that he had to work, because that is understandable, but I was upset about the fact that he knew he couldn't but didn't even think to call me because to him it didn't really matter. Another thing I will always remember is how on our on month, I spend all this time trying to figure out the perfect gift to get Alex, to show him how much he meant to me, and he knew that, but still he didn't do anything for me... He took me to his house, made me eat left overs, and then tried to have sex with me. It made me feel like shit, because I felt like he didn't care enough to think of ANYTHING. And I know he uses the excuse that he doesn't have money, and I know them, and I don't expect him to buy my diamond earring like Jesse, or a solid gold bracelet like Nick, or a Channel watch like Ahmed. Like honestly I'm not superficial at all, to be honest the love letter Jon Rivera gave me meant more to me then any of those things. So he could have done anything, he could have got me a candy bar, or scribbled I love you on a freaking napkin, and I swear I would have kept it forever. But the fact was he didn't...He didn't do ANYTHING. He spent the day getting high with his friends. He could have freaking spent his $20 on a necklace from clairs for me that day, but the thing was, I wasn't on his mind, he only thought of himself, he only thought of that fact that he wanted to get high. Where as I spend the whole day making sure his present was perfectly wrapped and getting ready. And I wish I could just be honest and tell Alex how I feel, but I just can't, I try so hard to, but every time I open my mouth to say something it all comes out so wrong and I just end up starting a random fight. But even if I wanted to talk to him I don't even know what to say, and even when I do figure it out, the second I get in front of him my mind just go blank. I also don't want to talk to him, because I don't want to tell him I want him to do something special for me, because then on the off chance that he does, it will only be because I told him to. I want him to think of something on his own, because he loves me enough to think of something that would make me happy. But his though process doesn't extend past the bedroom. Like I think of him all the time, I am always trying to think of what would make Alex happy, even if it is something stupid and little. Like the last time I was at the store, I bought Nutella, because I know he likes it. Well my thought process is starting to go to shit, because as much as I would rather not admit this, I took some Xanaxs, because just like Alex used cigarettes to deal with his stress, I use Xanax to forget my stress. And I know it is a really bad habit to make and I'm pretty much playing Russian Roulette, because last time I took one I didn't remember anything and the memories I did have weren't real, but I honestly could care less. I just want to fall asleep and wake up with Alex next to me. When we talked on the phone he was like, "I just want to come to your house in the morning and be there when you wake up." But Alex isn't like that. I'm the type of person that actually would, Alex isn't, and I guess I just have to except that not everyone is like me, and that is okay. Like a dork, I left a key in my mailbox, because I wish more than anything when I wake up at 7 he would be there, but that just proves how dumb I am, because I need to wake up and realize this is reality, and that means not expecting anything but the worse, because anytime I have even a little bit of hope I end up getting my feeling hurt, when I realize it is just another let down. And even writing this sounds so stupid, but thats part of the reason I took a bunch of Xanaxs because I know otherwise it will be another sleepless night, because I will spend the whole night hoping Alex with show up. It's just because I miss Alex so much...Like I went from spending everyday with him and most nights, to only having sleepovers on weekends, to only being able to see him for a couple of hours if I am lucky and only on weekends. Alright well I don't feel so okay, because the room is spinning, my heart is beating so fast I can feel it, and I've retyped this sentence so many times, because I keep forgetting what I'm trying to write or spacing out and forgetting that I was typing, so I think I need to stop writing and maybe go to bed.