Oct 25, 2012- A not so funny joke

     As of today Alex and I have officially been together for 3 months!  Today I went to Brookline to go visit Alex and Vienna... I loved getting to see them both, and when it was time to leave, Alex had to head the same way as me.  So Vienna dropped us off closer, so we would only have to take one train, as opposed to taking two trains and a bus.  After she dropped up off me and Alex were waiting for the train, having a major public make out session.  Then we started joking around, and he was saying there is a boyfriend fee, and I told him he should be paying me.  After he was like, "baby that would make you a prostitue!"  and I always have a lot of  money on me so I was like "Well...where do you think I got all this money?"  As I looked up from our joke, I saw some woman sitting at the red light in her caring glaring at me.  She looked so familiar, but I could place her face so I dismissed it, and Alex went back to making out, and joking about me being a prostitute, when all of a sudden it hit me!  That woman (who was still there)  was Alex's dad's girlfriend!  I nonchalantly point her out to Alex.  His response was that we should keep making out.  So we did...until she started yelling at him to get in her car.  But Alex was a big boy, and told her that he wasn't getting in, and stayed with me.  I was really glad that he did that... because I would have been fucked as far as finding my way home, and plus it was cold, and as much as I like to think I can take care of myself, I don't exactly love being in a sketchy area I don't really know all alone.  Well After that I got my own butt home alone from Alex's house.  I love seeing Alex, but I always hate the abrupt ending to our visits, because his dad always suddenly 'needs him' whenever we are together.

Oct 22, 2012- A new beginning

     Well I finally realized that using the fact that Alex reads my blog to manipulate his feelings and actions basically makes me just as bad as Jesse (my psycho ex).  Also I want starting be become cautious of my writing, because I knew Alex was going to read it at some point.  So I decided to change my web address and make it look as if I deleted it.  The only thing is, that right before this happened, my boyfriend Alex asked me to delete the post about his father, so I feel like he is going to think I "deleted" my blog because of him.  At the moment I'm tying this as I walk to Jiu Jitsu, that class I despise, because it forces me to get off the couch.  haha reading that you probably think I'm some fat fuck who lives on the couch.  But the truth is, I'm just the opposite.  Haha I'm 5'1 and 95 pounds.  Yes, I know I'm short.  But thankfully I don't look short.  Haha like I don't have the body of a short person, I look tall unless you're actually close enough to judge my height based on comparison.  Well...Besides me being a tall short person,  I've been doing some thinking and have decided to stop dreaming and start doing.  Starting with the fact that I want to go to Paris this summer, and if I stop spending all my money on stupid shit...For example, yesterday I managed to spend $80 at the movies, and I didn't even pay for the tickets.  So if I stop doing things like that, I will be able to go!

Oct 22, 2012- Le bitch...

     Words... I've heard they can really hurt.  This morning I said a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have.  My mom and I ended up getting into a huge fight because my mom went mazzo, because I wanted to wear a shirt she thought was ugly.  See...I told you the women was crazy...What kind of lunatic freaks out because their child wants to wear an ugly shirt?  That shouldn't even have been an issue!  After that, she started flipping shit about my grades.  In less then 5 mins things escalated to her pushing me down a flight of stairs.  Since I was standing quite close to the stairs to begin with, I completely fell back and fell down half the stairs.  When she came to the point where I was she didn't apologize, she just continued to walk past me, so I got myself up and pushed her down the rest of the stairs.  After that she stood in front of our front door and refused to let me go to school until I apologized, but I wasn't sorry.  So I stayed home.   I guess I shouldn't be throwing stones when I live in a glass house, because my family is just as fucked up as Alex's... Regardless.. Me and my Mother are still not talking.  Alex said I should apologize, so finally I did, but apparently according to her it was too late.  Well, it is what it is... I tried.  I also took my sister to the market to run an errand... it was kind of weird hanging out with my sister, since I spend such little time with my sister.  Usually I try to distance myself from my family, because I honestly just don't really connect with them.  It's kind of like Bella is my mom's daughter and I am just someone who lives with them.  Its like I am an outsider in my own home... It used to really bother me, but I've recently come to terms with that factor.  And also realized that family isn't the people you share blood with...family is the people who are there for you through thick and thin.  Thats why I've made my own family with my friends.  Anyway, I only have 3 more years here, and then I am free to live my life however I please, and that is exactly what I plan to do.  Because I am the type who will turn 18, move out and never look back.  My mom has known this since I was 3, maybe that is why she's never really liked me too much.  Well thats really all I have to say...

Oct 21, 2012- Conspiracies and the best first date...

     Conspiracies, conspiracies...how my mind likes to wander...but this time I might actually be onto something.  So Alex got into to Brookline High by using his dad's girlfriend's address... But he actually lives in Brighton.  But since he is on probation his probation officer is going is going to do random check ins since he has an eight o'clock curfew.  But the catch is, that since he is using his dad's girlfriend's address, when they check in on him, thats where they will look.  But Alex's dad is making Alex stay in Brighton, while he goes and stay over the girlfriend's house.  So even if Alex is home by eight every night, when they do a check in, he is going strait to juvy.  Clearly his dad knows this fact, but for some reason, he is still setting his son up, and Alex is too trusting to think twice.  But if Alex goes to juvy, he wil be stuck there until his is 18... that is two years.  But think of it, his dad would make out, because if he didn't have to take care of Alex, then he could ditch the Brighton apartment, and go live with le girlfriend, and have that extra money that he would be spending on rent to do whatever.  Thinking of all this, I am not trying to be an ass, of put Alex's family down, but I am genuinely worried about him, because I love him so much.  And his dad is sneaky and undermined, and it would kill me if Alex got screwed over by the one person he has done everything for...
Well besides my deep thinking, today Alex took me on our first date.  Like I've said Alex isn't the thoughtful kind, he isn't the kind who tries to look nice for me, because honestly he could care less...but  when I got to his house today, he looked really nice, and had gelled his hair and everything, he had even shaved.  It was so nice, and lately I'm realizing more and more how much he really does love me, because even though these are things he would rather not do, he does them because he wants to see me happy.  We saw Taken 2, in chestnut hill.  It was really nice, just being with Alex.  Like its honestly the biggest mystery to me, but somehow being with that boy just makes my world.  I'm like a little puppy, because I just love him so unconditionally.  before the movie started we decided to go fool around in the girls bathroom. We went in and Alex put me on the sink, and we started making out, until all of a sudden some old lady walked in.  She said something, but at that point we were both to freaked out to even comprehend what she said.  Haaha so we both just bolted out of the bathroom.  After the movie we went to my grandma's birthday dinner.  When we got home Bella gave Alex her Nutella, because even though she loves Nutella, she loves Alex more.  Haha...Wow, an eight year old who shares better than me...

Oct 20, 2012- A blast from the past...

     This morning I really missed Alex, and he didn't get to my house until 10.  So I called in sick for work, because I was hoping we could spend time together.  But we had sex, then he had to leave.  After that I wasn't really in the mood to do anything, so I stayed in bed until 3, when this girl Jacayda called me, because she wanted to use my fridge to store a cake.  I said she could, and when she got to my house she was with Savannah, and he other friend whose name I still don't know.  They asked my to hang out, so I said sure, and we were going to go smoke, so I called Alex to see if he wanted to smoke with us.  Of couse, Alex was already smoking (See I swear to god, with the amount of time he spends with Mary Jane, I could call that cheating).  Anyway, he ended up agreeing to meet us at the mall with his friend Eli.  He came and we all smoked.  After he left to go meet some dude, we asked to come, but he said no.  So we decided to be creeps and follow him all the way to Brighton.  When he finally caught us stalking him, we were all the way in some weird part of Brighton.  When he made eye contact with us, we all bolted, but we ran into a dead end so he caught up to us.  He actually seemed legitimately mad, I was kind of surprised, because Alex usually never gets mad at me.   After we went to some park with them, and Alex hung out with his friends and ignored us...It was really awkward.  I wish the way Alex used to be, but lately Mary Jane is so important to him.  Honestly I swear he doesn't care if he sees me at all, as long as he sees her he is set.  Tomorrow he said he would take me to a movie, but I'm not going to hold my breath, because if I do, I will most likely end up dead.  Jon River (the last person I really loved before Alex/ Never got over) called me today.  He told me he still really loved me and really missed me, which I know to be true, because I am the one who ended it with him, because the circumstances were bad, and we couldn't be together, and even though it hurt so badly, I knew I had to walk away from him.  But him constantly popping back into my life, confuses me.  I wonder, if Jon ever did come back, if I would be able to keep my distance.  Besides Alex, he was one person who truly loved me unconditionally, even when he saw me at my worst.  But I seriously just need to walk away once and for all, but it is still hard...Ughh well that is all for tonight.

Oct 20, 2012- 4am

     It's almost 4am, yet I am awake blogging.  We just had this huge storm, and I was like shitting bricks.  Storms haven't bothered me since I was little, but this one was different.  This was the hugest storm I've seen in forever.  Things like this make me miss Alex, because I know if he wasn't on probation, he would have been with me tonight.  I honestly hate sleeping alone, and I feel as if this is going to be a really long 6 months.  I hate the fact that I barely get to see him anymore, except for on the weekends, but even then my time is really limited.  Tonight I texted Alex during the storm, and he responded right away, he is going to see me tomorrow morning.  But he isn't going to leave his house until 9, which means he isn't going to get here until 10, and I have to start getting ready for work at 11...and I don't know why I am thinking about all this right now.  But I am all teary and can't fall asleep.  Since I have been on the depot shot (birth control shot)  I can't trust any of my emotions.  This is my first time on the shot, I've been on it for two months now.  Since I got it I have been an emotional train wreak, I am like a pregnant person....except not because I'm on birth control haha.  But I've been so emotional, and I just can't control it, and every little thing either makes me really angry or burst into tears, so at this point I don't even know how much of what I feel is real.  I have been trying my best to control it around Alex lately because I don't want him to think I'm a nut job, but it is so hard, that when I get home I just completely break down.  Alright well blogging has helped me pull it together, so I'm going to attempt falling asleep now.  Goodnight/ Good morning haha(:

Oct 19, 2012- Friends, football, and fries...yumm(;

     Tonight was honestly the best.  After school I went home and ate Captin Crunch.. After I was done, Vienna came and picked me up, and we went to Brookline.  We hung out in her car, talking until Alex called, then we all went to Dunkins.  After that she drove us back to the school, and Alex gave me this bracelet that he made for me.  I legit almost cried, because it was honestly the best present I've ever gotten, because I know Alex isn't thoughtful, but that fact that he did that for me shows how much I really mean to him.  I must have thanked him like a thousand times after, because I felt like I couldn't find the right words to show him just how much it really meant to me.  After that Alex had to go home, because for some stupid reason his asshole of a father wanted him home by 6.  But it was okay, because me and Vienna ended up going to a football game in Dedham.  Haha Vienna was freaking out the entire way there, because her brother's girlfriend's parents were following her there, and she was afraid she was going to lose them.  So she kept asking me to look back and see if they were still behind her.  When we were almost there she asked me to look again, and I told her they were there, she turned around to look and responded with, "THAT"S NOT THEM! THOSE ARE OLD PEOPLE!" hahaha but turns out it was okay, because they were behind the old people.  The game was fun, I ended up seeing this guy Patrick, who I kept promising I would go on a date with, but never did.  Haha but even with my hooded jacket on, he recognized me right away, and we hung out for a little while.  After the game me and Vienna went to the McDonalds drive thru, and I got fries...Gosh fries make everything amazing haha.  And then she drove me home, and on the way back to my house we talked about a lot of personal things... And well I'm really glad we met, because I don't really have that many close friends, because I tend to isolate myself from people, because I am always afraid of getting close to someone, and then getting hurt.  Tonight I also realize, that before Alex, I had never really fallen in love before, but merely stepped in it a few times.  I have honestly never let myself get as close or attached to anyone, as I've let myself with Alex.  He honestly means the world to me, and sometimes I worry, because I wonder if I mean as much to him as he means to me.  But since I am not a mind reader I will never have that question answered... I will just have to hope that the answer is yes.   Well again I'm going to wish on every star that I will wake up next to Alex tomorrow morning...

Oct 18, 2012- blog relieves stress

So the weird thing is, I actually look forward to blogging lately, because it is kind of like my stress reliever. Well today I managed to pick a fight with this senior in my school Lucas...The one I've always thought was hot, but has the voice of a 7 year old girl. Shayene and I took the bus home from school together, and the two of us together is never good. It's code for there WILL be trouble, because we both egg each other on. So we saw Lucas on the bus and we were both still laughing about how the day before he completely fell on top of me. We had originally planned on going to Dunkin Donuts, but we thought it would be funny to jump up next to Lucas with a camera and be like, "PICTURE MOMENT!" because Lucas is the really shy type and we thought it would be funny to freak him out. When we got off the bus we realized that Lucas was going to Dunkin Donuts too, to use the bathroom. So after we got our drink, we waited for lucas to get out of the bathroom, and when he did we jumped up next to him and did it. Afterwards we looked at the picture and he looked great, and was smiling, and we looked like freaks even though we were the ones who planned the whole thing out haha. We went back to my house and put the picture on Facebook, just to be asshole and tagged him in it. He completely flipped out and started messaging me being like "Take that picture down now, I didn't give you permission to take a picture of me!" So me being me, was like "Dude calm your tits, I think you should take a pregnancy test, cuz you're abnormally moody." After that it just became a huge war, and lets just say I now have one more person to add to the list of people whose hit lists I'm on...As if the list wasn't big enough to begin with hahaha. Oh also at gym today, Douglas (the Spanish guy who flirts with me) kept poking me, so finally I told him that everyone has a personal bubble I would like him to stop invading mine. Two seconds later Juan turned around with, "Thats funny Ari, you never said that to me." In front of the entire class! It was super embarrassing because I had no clue how to respond. I had Jiu Jitsu tonight, and on my walk my walk home I decided to FaceTime Alex. When I got home, that creepy dude was sitting on my porch, I completely freaked out and bolted, planning to go into my house through the back which I could get to from the next street over. Alex had to go, because he wanted to go get high, which was fine because I really didn't want him to know what was up anyway. I finally got to the other street, and snuck through my neighbor's yard, then hopped the fence into my yard, and snuck in though the back. I officially know it is time to talk to someone about this, but c'mon tomorrow is friday, if I say something I will have to deal with this crap all weekend long. So I'm just going to wait until monday, and hope he doesn't do anymore weird things over the weekend. At first I thought that this would go away, but it has escalated really quickly, and I really don't want it to escalate any further... Well I'm going to bed now, because tomorrow I am going to Brookline. My friend Vienna offered to pick me up. She is so freaking nice it is crazy! Gosh I wish she went to my school, or lived in Watertown so we could hang out more often, because we get along really well....Alright well now I'm seriously going to bed hahaha, GOODNIGHT <3

Oct 17, 2012- The other Russian...

Viktor... yes tomorrow the hottest senior is going to be alone with me at my house... but it is't all at what it sounds like. Today i was trying to find someone to tutor me, and I casually mentioned to Pat (some guy who works are our school, who is wicked funny) that it is super hard to find a tutor in Watertown. He asked me what I needed to learn, and after telling him I wanted to learn russian, he immediately thought of Viktor. He said it would probably be like $30 and hour, but when Viktor saw me, he decided to do it for free. Viktor told me it was all on me though, and that he was free all the time, but whether I called him everyday to teach me, or once a year was all up to me. He is super nice, but the whole day I was stuck listening to Shayene saying "Gee I hope you don't end up sleeping with your sexy new Russian." But thats obviously never going to happen, because ever though Viktor is extremely hot, I am completely and totally in love with Alex. Speaking of Alex, I'm going to see him in Brookline friday... Well... that is if I can convince my mother, because she got a less then great note from my french teacher today, saying how we had 3 weeks to do a french project and I failed to completely it. The teacher ended up saying she would give me until tomorrow to do it. At 4 o'clock my mom started giving me shit, telling me I couldn't go to dance because I hadn't even started the project, and dance was at 5. But since I already speak french it took me 40 mins to bang out a project that took everyone a week, and I'm pretty sure mine was a lot better than anyone else's. I ended up getting to go to dance class. After I got home I told my mother that I will be being tutored from now on. Because this works both ways, m mom has been begging me to get a tutor for who knows how long, but I don't really need one. So now it looks like I'm taking her advice, because I told her Viktor is tutoring me in Algebra and Biology. The second she found out my tutor was a guy she asked to see a picture, and the second she saw a picture, I started doing that really awkward face I make when I feel uncomfortable, because I knew exactly what she was thinking. The only thing she said was, "Are you sure you will be able to focus?" What is wrong with people, I can't be in a room with a really hot guy and not do anything? I am committed to Alex! Goss, well I guess that will be proven when I don't do anything with Viktor...Well besides start at his beautifullness hahaha just kidding....I think... hahaha, well I hope Alex calls me tonight, because I honestly really miss him...

Oct 16, 2012

At this very moment I am extremely content. I am sitting here in my warm bed eating candy corn, haha yet another reason for me to love this season. I didn't have my phone for most of the day because my french teacher caught me on it, second period and took it away. Towards the end of class I tried to beg for it back, because her rule is that the first time you get caught with ur cell phone, she has to give it back to you at the end of class, but apparently I am the exception to this rule, because she kept it for the entire day. While trying to get her to give it back to me I randomly started yelling "You don't know nothing...about anything...ever!" A random phrase that I totally stole from Alex hahaha who prob stole it from someone else. Speaking of Alex I didn't get to talk to him much today, he didn't give me his usual 9:30 phone call...So I tried to call him but he didn't answer. Ugh, it just needs to be summer again, or at least a break, because honestly I really miss seeing Alex on a regular basis. I would also seriously like to know what his dad's big problem with me is, because I swear to god I have made a hundred and one assumptions about what it could be, but it would be a lot easier to deal with the fact that he doesn't like me if I just knew why!!! But Alex wont tell me! He keeps insisting he doesn't know why, but I think that is bull shit. Ugh whatever, I'm going to bed, hopefully he calls me later...

Oct 15, 2012- The stalker returns

Well even though being without Alex really sucks, I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to see him very often for a while. It was like a death, at first it hurt a lot, but everyday the pain got that much more tolerable, and I will probably never fully be okay with the situation, but I think I am as close to okay with the situation as I am going to get. On that note, I was almost on time for school today! My mom drove me all the way there and I was going to make it, but then she realized I didn't have my retainer. Let me tell you, that woman turned the car around so fast it made my head spin, and she drove all the way home made me get my retainer and then just left me there. At that point I was already really late, not to mention I live on the other side of town. So I figured since I was already late a few more minutes wasn't going to make or break me, so I went to Dunkin Donuts, and got myself a pumpkin muffin and a raspberry ice tea... haha I swear to god I will marry the guy who shows up on my door step with anything pumpkin, and yes that is how much I love pumpkin. But maybe I shouldn't say that, because the only person I can expect to show up on my porch with a pumpkin muffin is my friend Chris, and lets face it, haha I love Alex was too much to even look at another guy. ANYWAY, haha when I finally got to school all we were doing was watching some dumb movie, so I didn't even bother trying to play catch up, I just put in head phones and caught up on the sleep I missed the night before. Absolutely nothing interesting happen the entire rest of the day, except the fact that my friend Maddy goes to her dad's class room everyday and just sits there, and I didn't know why, so today I went with her, and turns out she had a thing for some hot dude Greg. Anyway today she was trying to flirt with him, and I'm not trying to be mean but when she flirts she acts like a retarded 5 year old, and to me it is like nails on a chalk board. At last period gym class, my buddy Douglas gave me a back massage, but then he kept touching me. At first it was cute and funny, but now this is going on like week 3 and at this point I would just like to shove some gym equipment up his ass and be like, "leave me alone!" After school I went home, only to find out that my entire side of town had lost power, when I got to my steps the stalker was waiting for me on my front porch. How the hell did he find out where I live? He started yelling at me, asking if I had broken up with Alex yet and saying that he loved me, and trying to take the ring off my finger! I was so freaked out I punch that freak as hard as I possibly could with out breaking his face, and ran into my house and locked the door! After that I sat in my house for a little while trying to catch my breath. Eventually he left, but it was still really scary, and now I'm really dreading going to school tomorrow... But what even, I will just walk the halls with caution...

Oct 14, 2012- I hate sleeping alone

Well I was more then disappointed to wake up alone. But I also learn a really important lesson today. And that is that was that love is never perfect, love is when you know you are fighting a losing battle, yet for some reason you still try because you honestly can't imagine your life without the other person. Alex will never be the guy who remembers that I love pumpkin pie and my favorite jelly beans are the marshmallow ones, and the root beer ones, but that is okay, because Alex is the one who will walk all 3.8 miles at 7 in the morning just to make me happy. Alex is also the guy who will do whatever he has to do to make it work with me. But today things got to be too much for him. I knew he had to work, but still put pressure on him to come see me, because I really missed him. But I didn't really think about that fact that Alex had a lot of pressure on him right now. He has pressure from his dad not to be with me and to get his life together, he has pressure from his dad's girlfriend to dump me, he has pressure from his school to do well, he has pressure from his friends to hang out with them, he has pressure from his work to come do jobs, and he has pressure from the state to obey his parole, and he has pressure from me to make me happy. So Alex ended up textin me telling me that this relationship was bound to fail, and was becoming a hassel for both of us, and he needed a break. I was surprised, because when he said all this, I was upset, but I didn't cry of break down or go all Amanda Todd and try to drink bleach, I just called Lulu and had a good laugh about nothing. I think it was because in the back of my mind I know much Alex loves me, and that gives me faith that everything is going to turn out. So I told him to come over after work and we could talk it out. And we did, and as it turned out, everything was all good. Which was a major relieve because I know that right now it seems like me and Alex are fight a losing battle, but I like to believe that everything is going to be okay, I just need to take a deep breath and learn to "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" hahaha.

Oct 13, 2012- Thats not what I meant!

I hate this, I'm so bad at expressing my feelings. I wish I could just say my feelings are hurt...But I can't instead I just get mean, and say things I don't mean to say. I can't help it, I try so hard to tell Alex how I feel but I can't, instead I just say a bunch of mean things. I hate how things are now, I wish I was the one on restriction, because then at least Alex could come over and see me... but I can never go to his house because I'm not invited. Thinking back, I honestly can't think of one relationship which didn't end with the person hating me. Because I've never been able to just admit when I'm hurt, I always have to put up a wall and just act bitchy, and since I don't tell the person what they did wrong they just think I am acting like a bitch for no reason. Like the night Alex had to work late, and I was really mad. From his end he was probably thinking, 'wow she is mad because I have to work.' but what he didn't know is that he had said early that day he was going to take me to a movie when he got out of work, and it would probably be around 7. And of course I was really excited because even though I would never tell Alex this but I've always wanted him to take me on an actual date, because even though I love Alex so much, and wouldn't trade him for the world, sometimes I miss being treated like a princess but whatever guy I would be dating at the time. So anyway I spent like 2 hours getting all dressed up, trying on a hundred different outfits, and then sat there waiting and waiting for him to call... Finally I couldn't wait any longer, so I called him, and when he answered he told me that he couldn't make it after all, because he had to work later then he thought. It wasn't the fact that he had to work, because that is understandable, but I was upset about the fact that he knew he couldn't but didn't even think to call me because to him it didn't really matter. Another thing I will always remember is how on our on month, I spend all this time trying to figure out the perfect gift to get Alex, to show him how much he meant to me, and he knew that, but still he didn't do anything for me... He took me to his house, made me eat left overs, and then tried to have sex with me. It made me feel like shit, because I felt like he didn't care enough to think of ANYTHING. And I know he uses the excuse that he doesn't have money, and I know them, and I don't expect him to buy my diamond earring like Jesse, or a solid gold bracelet like Nick, or a Channel watch like Ahmed. Like honestly I'm not superficial at all, to be honest the love letter Jon Rivera gave me meant more to me then any of those things. So he could have done anything, he could have got me a candy bar, or scribbled I love you on a freaking napkin, and I swear I would have kept it forever. But the fact was he didn't...He didn't do ANYTHING. He spent the day getting high with his friends. He could have freaking spent his $20 on a necklace from clairs for me that day, but the thing was, I wasn't on his mind, he only thought of himself, he only thought of that fact that he wanted to get high. Where as I spend the whole day making sure his present was perfectly wrapped and getting ready. And I wish I could just be honest and tell Alex how I feel, but I just can't, I try so hard to, but every time I open my mouth to say something it all comes out so wrong and I just end up starting a random fight. But even if I wanted to talk to him I don't even know what to say, and even when I do figure it out, the second I get in front of him my mind just go blank. I also don't want to talk to him, because I don't want to tell him I want him to do something special for me, because then on the off chance that he does, it will only be because I told him to. I want him to think of something on his own, because he loves me enough to think of something that would make me happy. But his though process doesn't extend past the bedroom. Like I think of him all the time, I am always trying to think of what would make Alex happy, even if it is something stupid and little. Like the last time I was at the store, I bought Nutella, because I know he likes it. Well my thought process is starting to go to shit, because as much as I would rather not admit this, I took some Xanaxs, because just like Alex used cigarettes to deal with his stress, I use Xanax to forget my stress. And I know it is a really bad habit to make and I'm pretty much playing Russian Roulette, because last time I took one I didn't remember anything and the memories I did have weren't real, but I honestly could care less. I just want to fall asleep and wake up with Alex next to me. When we talked on the phone he was like, "I just want to come to your house in the morning and be there when you wake up." But Alex isn't like that. I'm the type of person that actually would, Alex isn't, and I guess I just have to except that not everyone is like me, and that is okay. Like a dork, I left a key in my mailbox, because I wish more than anything when I wake up at 7 he would be there, but that just proves how dumb I am, because I need to wake up and realize this is reality, and that means not expecting anything but the worse, because anytime I have even a little bit of hope I end up getting my feeling hurt, when I realize it is just another let down. And even writing this sounds so stupid, but thats part of the reason I took a bunch of Xanaxs because I know otherwise it will be another sleepless night, because I will spend the whole night hoping Alex with show up. It's just because I miss Alex so much...Like I went from spending everyday with him and most nights, to only having sleepovers on weekends, to only being able to see him for a couple of hours if I am lucky and only on weekends. Alright well I don't feel so okay, because the room is spinning, my heart is beating so fast I can feel it, and I've retyped this sentence so many times, because I keep forgetting what I'm trying to write or spacing out and forgetting that I was typing, so I think I need to stop writing and maybe go to bed.

Oct 13, 2012- Work sucks

Well it really sucks that I have to go to work in an hour, because I honestly hate working. Its not that I dislike my jobs, I just don't really like anything that involves work in general haha. But hopefully even though I don't get off until 5, I get to see Alex, but that is kind of unlikely...But who knows maybe he will surprise me and show up. I am not going to get my hopes up even a little though, because that is not Alex. He doesn't do things like that, because in order for him to do something for me I have to ask him. If not he will not think of it on his own... Well I'm going to go get ready for work...

Oct 12, 2012- Home at last

Thank god today was friday, I swear to god this was one of the longest weeks ever. I missed Alex so much it was crazy. So he said to come over at 6. When I got to school we played battle of the sexes in history... I don't know how but some how I am passing history, even though I haven't done even one assignment in that class, and everyday, I sit there on my phone, with head phones in, and yet the only comment he wrote on my progress report was, "attentive and cooperative." After that I had french, and my teacher was freaking out at my, because I sat through her entire class doodling haha. After that I had biology, and my teacher was totally hitting on me, even my friend Maddy noticed, it was super awkward. At the end of the school day Maddy came over, and we decided to walk to the mall, when we got there Maddy saw this cute guy go inside Home Depot, so we followed him in, turns out he worked there, and he started talking to us, and flirting with me. I immediately told him I hd a boyfriend, and right as I was saying that Alex's freaking father popped up behind me. "Ari, what are you looking for? I'll help you." He said to me. I awkwardly looked up, as said the first thing that came to my mind, which was a dimmer switch. He showed my the dimmer switches and told me to pick one. Apparently I picked the most expensive one out there, because when I looked at the price, I saw that the stupid dimmer switch was $30. His dad's next question was what kind of light bulbs do I have in my room. I had no idea, so I said the first thing that came to my mind, which was fluorescent lights. His response was that fluorescent lights didn't work with a dimmer switch, so not only was I forced to buy the freaking dimmer switch, but apparently I then also needed light bulbs to go with it. Finally the conversation ended and me and Maddy walked away... I tried to casually put down the stuff, but Alex's dad popped up behind me, I played if off like I was just putting it down, so I would have a free hand to tie my shoe. After that he stayed around the area we were, so I ended up having to actually buy the stuff. hahaa after that me and Maddy went back to my house and I got ready to go see Alex. My mom drove me there, and I gave Alex the hugest hug ever when I saw him. I had missed him so much it was crazy. After we had sex I was super tired so I went and passed out on his couch, while he cooked me dinner. It was so nice, and he actually is a really good cook, because the food was really good! I was some kind of potatoes with raviolis. And there is nothing I love more then potatoes haha. After that I went and fell asleep with Alex while he told me a story. He kind of really sucks at telling stories but it was still the sweetest thing ever, it went something like "Once upon a time, there was this boy who love his girlfriend so much. And he really sucked at telling stories, but he was trying to tell one anyway to make his girlfriend happy, and help her fall asleep, because his girlfriend had a lot on her mind, but she wouldn't share any of it with him. Also he was rubbing her butt...Awkward, and touching her, but not in a sexual way, because he wanted her to fall asleep, because he wanted her to be at peace." It was honestly the nicest thing ever, after that I fell right asleep. at 10:30 I had to leave, because Alex's dad was going to be home at 11, and I knew he wouldn't want to come home and find me there, because despite what Alex says, I know his dad doesn't want me and Alex to be together. Anyways, I called a taxi. And sat in Alex's living room, freaking out inside my head, because I was really nervous about taking a taxi by myself. But I didn't want Alex to know how freaked out I was, because I know that this is how it is going to be from now on and I just have to learn to take care of myself. I ended up getting home safe, as I'm sure you guessed, due to the fact that I lived to tell (haha blog) about it...

Oct 11, 2012- Things I'd love to forget

Well I don't think it would have been possible for today to drag on any longer. Every single time I looked at the clock, it was only a few minutes after the last time I had looked. I took the bus to school, and on the way there I couldn't help but notice a really familiar looking stranger. He had bright green eyes, and the palest skin I had ever seen, and sat their intensely staring at me, even when I looked back at him, he still continues to stare. After I got off the bus I quickly forgot about that, because I saw my stalker (some weird guy who had been following me around, and making creepy threats since the school year had started). I tried to avoid him seeing me, but it was almost impossible, it was as if he had been waiting for me...which to be honest wouldn't really surprise me, because he followed me everywhere. Recently he had even started showing up outside my dance class, it was getting out of control, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I just played it off as a joke, because I didn't need a repeat of last year. I don't even like thinking about all the things that went down last year. It had all started when I met him...He seemed so sweet, and so innocent. Normally I didn't go for shy guys, but this was different. There was something about him I found so dorky, yet so adorable. Maybe it was the fact that I was sick of one meaningless hookup after another, and I like the fact that he liked me so much. I was too quick to hop into a relationship with him, before even getting to know him. I liked the new life that came with him. I was a freshman and he was a senior, he invited me to hang out with his friends, and took my to partys with him. But just as fast as things started, I felt things getting weird. But I continued to ignore all the signs. Within the first week of our relationship, he had bought me real diamond earrings. They were absolutely beautiful, but it was way too much way too soon. After that I wanted to get out of the relationship, but the earrings made me feel obligated to keep it up a little longer. A few minutes after our first fight, I got a strange text from a number I didn't recognize asking if this was Jesse's girlfriend. I responded telling the stranger that it was, and asked who was texting me. After that I got a series of insulting messages, saying that whoever she was, was going to steal my boyfriend, because she was better than me in every way. Without thinking, I called Jesse, accusing him of being the one texting me, but as it turned out I wasn't the only one getting strange text messages. According to him he was also receiving a bunch of text messages from that same number. Thinking I had it all figured out, I called Jesse back and told him that I was going to text the number back on a texting app, and pretend to be someone who hated me and find out who was texting me. I kept texting the number and finally she cracked. She told me her name was Brittany Higgans, a girl I had remembered Jesse telling me used to have a huge crush on him. She told me how she didn't hate me, she just wanted him. I was so proud that I had cracked the code I texted her back from my real number saying, "well well well Brittany Higgans...I wonder what Jesse would think of you now." After that I thought all my texting problems would disappear, but I was very wrong. In the few days that followed, everything started getting worse, I was receiving like a hundred messages from Brittany. Even though I didn't respond to any of them, she continued to send them. They were super descriptive, threatening me, stating my exact address and telling me exactly how she was going to kill me. She described my entire house so well it was like she had been in it many times before. After that she started texting me every time I left my house, telling me exactly where I was, and that she was watching. I was so scared that every time she would text me, I would immediately call Jesse seeking comfort. I would make him sleepover, because I didn't want to be alone at night. Finally it got to a point where it was so bad I went and talked with the pollice officer at my school. She told me she would contact Brittany and that I wouldn't be bothered again. She contacted Brittany, and she said Brittany had denied it all, but she would be suspended from her school if it continued. I was relieved to know I could finally take a deep breath. But that friday when I got home, there was a typed note on top of my pillow from her. I was scared shitless, and had no idea what to do. I had recently gotten close with Jesse's best friend Justin, and although I would never tell anyone I secretly was starting to really like him. But I could never happen because he was my boyfriends best friend, and my best friend Lulu liked him. So I instead tried to be his friend. Instead of calling Jesse when I got freaked out, I started to call Justin. Until one morning I got a message saying 'you should ask your boyfriend what happened around 3am yesterday.' I quickly ran to call Jesse. He came over with a black and blue eye, saying Brittany and a bunch of guys had attacked him in Tedeschis. At this point both our parents were beyond freaked out. His mom brought him down to the pollice office right away. But for some reason he had deleted all the texts Brittany had sent him. After that I was called into the police office...They put all the evidence together and told me that it wasn't Brittany, but they we almost positive they knew who it was, but before they told me they needed to hear back from the phone company to confirm it. Even though they told me they couldn't tell me, I was determined to know, so I pushed and pushed for them to tell me. finally the officer told me that she told it was Jesse. Immediately I got super defensive, explaining that it couldn't possibly be him, that he wasn't smart enough, that it was more likely to be me. But she told me I wasn't allowed to contact him for the rest of the night, and to assure that I followed her instructions, my mom took away my phone. That was the longest night of my life. I sat awake all night, thinking about how I could prove it wasn't him, because I knew it couldn't be possible. When I got to school the next morning the first thing I did was go see the officer, she told me she now knew who it was for a fact. It was Jesse, and he had admitted it. At that moment my entire world stop turning, I didn't laugh I didn't cry I didn't flinch...I was frozen in shock. It took my a while to finally respond. She wrote me a pass and told me to go home and told me I was to have absolutely no contact with Jesse every again, and to tell no one about what he did. I was a completely wreak that night, but I took comfort in the fact that I would be able to at least tell Lulu in the morning, because she wasn't answering the phone. But when I got to school the next day, people weren't so nice to me. Everyone was calling me a slut and saying that I dumped Jesse to get with Justin. Every corner I turned someone was calling me a whore or saying something about how awful I was, to hurt such a nice guy. The worst part was not being able to tell anyone the truth. Finally I saw Lulu, I ran over to her, but she gave me the cold shoulder. She wouldn't even give me two seconds to talk to her. Later I found out she was telling everyone that she hated me because I dumped my boyfriend to get at the guy she liked. It was all so much I ended up going home early, and spend the next few days alone in my room crying. Even now I still hate going back and thinking about that. I makes it really hard for me to trust everyone, and overly paranoid about everything. And having this stalker creates more fear in me then normal, because I now know what people are capable of. Well...Now that I got that out, I'm going to attempt to fall asleep...

Oct 10, 2012- Family feud

Well I had dance class today, but on the way there TJ (my mom) completely flipped out, because I didn't want to go report Scott to my guidance counsellor. Ugh, I swear that woman is nuts. So she randomly pulled over in the middle of the road and started flipping out at me. Sometimes I seriously wish I could go back to the days where my family was happy, even if it was all fake. I told her I would talk to the guidance counsellor tomorrow, but not because I want to, but because I don't want any beef with her. I swear that woman completely hates me, Alex thinks that she just gets angry sometimes, but I know otherwise. I know for a fact that TJ hates me, because she treats me like I am shit, her and Bella are constantly ganging up on me. And all TJ ever does is sit there trashing me... Like right now I can here her and Bella in the other room. Bella is like, "Is Ari every going to married?" and my mom was like, "Who would ever want her?." Well whatever...Anyway, after that Agustin started texting me again, because he wants to see me... we texted and flirted for a little bit, but it doesn't really matter because it would never go anywhere, haha the whole world knows my heart belongs to Alex. Speaking of Alex, I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm going to be sleeping alone for a very long time...unless I take Agustin up on his offer and sleepover friday night...but that would probably be a really bad idea. I think I just need a distraction. Not another guy, just like a big project to get my mind off of how much I miss Alex. Hopefully he FaceTimes me tonight, because I really want to know how he got his dad to agree to letting him see me on weekends, because his dad and his dad's bitchy girlfriend were dead set against him having any contact with me.

Oct 10, 2012- "It's not over until I say it is" said Alex

Well today was long, my sister's fish that she got at the fir we went to died. I felt like complete shit all day long, first of all I felt so sick, second of all I had the Alex shit to think about, and to top it off my mom was cause more drama about my father, trying to make me hurt him. But the thing is I can't help her, I am done with my Scott (my father). He hurt a lot of people, like when he cheated on my mother, and when he treated my sister like dirt, but I never hated him for any of that, none of that ever meant anything to me. I have my own personal reasons for not talking to him. Last year when things were going really bad with my mom at home (like usual), Scott had promised I could live with him. I was supposed to move in with him on February 28th. That whole month of February I got shit from my mom every single day about my decision, but on the other side, I would get all theses texts from my dad, showing me our new place, and asking me which room I would want and all this stuff. Three days before the 28th, my dad stopped answering his phone. The 28th rolled around and I waited at my house all day with all my stuff packed and ready to go...but he never came for me. Turns out he had backed out, and the worst part of all is he didn't even have the balls to call me and tell me. But I held myself together, I didn't shed a single tear, I just knew things could never be the same for me and my dad again. His excuse was he felt bad because he didn't know how it would effect Bella, but thats bullshit, thats just something he tells himself so he doesn't have trouble sleeping at night. After that I wanted nothing to do with him... He still calls and texts me all the time, but I never ever answer, because in the end of the day he is the one who lost out, not me. Also, apparently Alex looked at my blog last night...thats awkward. The worst part is I don't even remember jack shit from yesterday because I took some Xanax. Also, apparently Alex convinced his dad to let him see me on weekends, but he wont tell me how. But that really means a lot to me that I meant enough to Alex that he would fight for me. I refuse to let his dad's girlfriend win, I swear if I ever see her again that bitch is going to be sorry, obviously I can't like beat the crap out of her or anything, even though I'd like too haha, but I will make her feel like shit. Hahaha trust me, that is my specialty (;

Oct 9, 2012- The worst kind of pain

I swear to god, its as if I can legitimately feel my heart breaking inside of me. I have been crying so hard since Alex left I can barely catch my breath, I feel like I'm loosing him, and it hurts so much because there is absolutely nothing I can do, I am completely powerless... His dad came over with his awful witch of a girlfriend and se convinced his dad that me and Alex need to break up. His dad doesn't believe in Alex at all, he can't even see what a wonderful son he has, and it is so sad that he thinks so low of Alex. If he just took 5 minutes and actually got to know his own kid, maybe he would see what a truly amazing person Alex is, but he doesn't. That man is just as awful as his girlfriend, he only difference is he is easily swayed. If the girlfriend hadn't have come, my mom could have convinced Alex's dad otherwise. But that was the thing, this was real life, "what ifs' didn't matter, what mattered was, the girlfriend DID come, and she said that Alex will break up with me, and the will be no contact, that included Facebook, texting, phone calls, and seeing each other. I swear it feels like someone just ripped out my heart and stepped on it, the only difference is in a way emotion pain is so much worse then physical pain. Alex has to go before the conversation was even finished, because of his curfew... but if his asshole of a father hadn't taken 3 hours to get there, then maybe there would have been more time, for me so say something, anything to convince him otherwise. I held it together through out the entire conversation, but the second everyone got up I ran into my room and completely lost it, Alex ran in after me to get his coat, he just held me in his arms telling me that he loved me so much and was so sorry but he really had to leave.

Oct 9, 2012- The beginning of the end

Well, even thought it was tuesday today, I didn't have school because it was professional day. But since my mom is a teacher she had to go to work, therefore I had to stay home and watch Bella. But at 2 I stuck Bella with my grandma, and me and my friend Lulu hopped in a taxi and went to go see Alex in Brookline, since he actually had school today. When we got there Alex gave me a huge hug, gosh hahaha I swear I'm like a little kid whose face just lights up when I see him. After me and Lulu hung out with Alex, Stephan, and Vienna. We went to the library, then to the car wash. After Vienna wanted me to try this burrito place called Annes Tacoria. So we all went there. On our way there, my mom called me and asked for exactly where i was, because she needed me and Alex right now. She sounds really mad, or like there was something really wrong. I kept asking her what the hell was going on but she wouldn't tell me, she also told me not to tell Alex what was going on, but for me that wasn't an option, Alex was like my other half, I needed him to make me feel better. So me and Alex walked away from everyone else and I called my mom back. She told me that Alex got kicked out of Brookline high, and that he had to go back to Brighton, she said that his dad thought that it was my fault because he said that Alex kept skipping last period on the days that I came to see him. Also he told my mom about how Alex smokes and drinks and stuff and that he think that Alex is a bad influence on me, and that we should break up because Alex is only going to bring me down (yes I know it sounded like Brandon's dad all over again). So I completely just burst into tears, because I felt like it was my fault, and plus I had already been thorough a similar thing once, and I know that things this never ends well for anyone...especially for me! So after that my mom picked us both us and it was a very weird car ride home. After me and Alex went into my room and talked and he said that he thinks that we should just end this because it is only going to get worse, but that only made me think that he didn't care enough to try to make it work, even when things were really bad. I honestly couldn't believe that he would honestly be willing to throw it all away just because of some stupid bull shit. From the beginning I always thought if we broke up, it would be one or two reasons...Either he would turn out to be gay, or he would end up letting his Dad influence his thoughts about me. Well... At least he didn't end up being gay...As far as I know... But either way I tried to convince him to stay with me even with me, until I realized I didn't want to convince him to stay with me and try to make this work, and that if this relationship really mattered to him that he would make that decision on his own. So it was whatever... Since then we have been sitting on my couch waiting for his dad to come here, because apparently me, Alex, my mom, and his dad were going to have a talk... But now I just figured out that favorite person in the entire world will be accompanying his dad...His dad's wonderful girlfriend, who loves me so much...this is going to be SO much fun, I can hardly wait... Well its okay, its not like I like her either....

Oct 8, 2012- Acupunture doesn't work

Maybe I expect too much of Alex. This morning even though he hates waking up in the mornings, Alex woke up at 7, and trooped it all the way from Brighton to my house. All because I told him too, because we were going to the Topsfield fair with my family. Poor Alex though, haha when he got to my house I was still sleeping. Finally I got up, but he didn't even complain about the fact that I made him wake up so early, and I didn't even get up. After that we all got in the car and drove to the fair. My mom was bitching at me the entire car ride, bringing up the Jesse thing (Jesse is my psychotic ex). Thankfully Alex had head phones in, because he was watching a movie with my 8 year old sister and didn't hear anything. When we got there we had to stay with my mom and my little sister Bella, but for some reason Alex doesn't mind. I have this weird feeling that he actually likes my family. hmmm...well I don't really know. But anyway, my mom wanted Alex to take my sister on ride, and she told me that "bella doesn't want me, and no one else really does either so just back off." So I walked away. I swear sometimes I'm so jealous because I feel like Alex fits in with my family so much better then I do. After I started feeling sick, and my head hurt really badly, and Alex was really nice, to me. He took really good care of me, and I slept the whole car ride back. After we all went out for chinese food, but my head was still hurting, so I went to get some tylenol. Then some weird asian lady started trying to squeeze me in weird places to make my head feel better. But it didn't work, I just felt worse. Finally we found some tylenol. After we went back to my house, and Alex and I laid in my bed and talked, for a long time. It was really nice, and I realized that Alex does so much for me, like he freaking walks and hour to come see me all the time, and he makes me feel better when I'm sick and so much more. I love him so much and the rest doesn't matter. I talked to Alex about my family problems, and he actually me really good advice. After he had to leave...and I miss him already lol...I fail.

Oct 6, 2012- The other woman (Mary Jane)

Well today I got Alex a haircut because he really needed one...I was super happy to wake up in his arms, because I swear there isn't a better feeling in the world then that. After his haircut he came over my house to help my mom put up halloween decorations, because the crazy old bitch said I had to, so he volunteered to help. After he told me he was really sorry but he could take me on a date after work, because of his curfew, and he couldn't risk it. I had work at 5 and when I got there my boss's kept coming up to me, and saying "Wow, I thought you were smart." at first I didn't know what they were talking about, but then they explained that they thought I was stupid for dating Alex because he smokes. They kept saying that the whole time, and had this whole big thing to say about me and Alex kissing earlier in front of the place. It was awful and I was so preoccupied that I ended up spilling two things. I thought my boss was going to fire me on the spot, but he didn't. Some guy was hitting on me, and my boss wanted me to give him a chance and ditch Alex, but I said no, even though the guy was super hot, maybe even hotter then Alex. After I got home from my awful day at work I called Alex, but he wasn't at "his house" in Brookline, he was with his friend at his house in Brighton, which meant he was breaking his curfew, which mean't he could have kept out date! Ugh, I swear I'm never getting my hopes up again about Alex taking me on a date, because I now know that it will never ever ever ever happen, unless they start handing out week instead of popcorn at the theater. It was funny too, because today Alex was realizing how good all the other guys I'd ever dated treated me, and how much they did for me, and he was saying he felt bad that he could do the same. But the truth was he could, he just choose not to. Even my friends constantly ask me why I'm with Alex, when there are so many guys that would love to take me on dates, and have a chance with me, and they would all have so much more to offer...But I don't know I guess I just love Alex... But honestly I just wish once in a while he would think of me, and instead of spending $20 on Mary Jane, ask me to go get some ice cream or something...ANYTHING. But I already know that I will always have to compete with Mary Jane, because even though he will never admit it, Mary is way more important to him then me.

Oct 6, 2012- No good deed ever goes unpunished

Yesterday me and my dumb friend Julia went all the way to Brookline to see Alex, because he said he wanted to hang out with me, but he couldn't because he had to run errands for his dad's girlfriend... So I figured I'd go there to say hi, and hopefully spend sometime with him, or maybe help him out with his errand... When we first got there we hung out with Vienna and she bought both of us frozen yogurt, it was wicked nice of her. After that she drove me to see Alex and turns out he was really just getting high with his two friends in a sketchy path. I was so mad, and hurt, because as I clearly stated earlier that day, I feel like I'm the only who puts in effort, and I swear pot is more important then me. Like I went all the way there to see him because I missed him, and he doesn't get to see me during the week, unlike his school friends who he sees everyday, so you'd think he'd would do what ever he had to to come see me, but the thing was smoking mari jane with his friends was more important... no matter what he says, the truth was, that was what he would rather have been doing. So as usual I got made and walked away, Alex tried to talk to me but it just made me feel worst, because he was like, "Babe we can talk about this tomorrow night." Like of course he would say tomorrow night instead of tonight, because that night he was too busy smoking pot to want to go have to troop it to my house and then have to talk to me. So I ended up walking away, and when Alex didn't come after me and instead walked in the other direction with his friends I completely broke down crying. Me and Julia ended up going to his school so I could go into the bathroom and pull myself together. When I came out of the bathroom Alex was there, because apparently Julia had called him. We walked away and talked stuff out, but I barely told him what my problem was...I wish I could talk to him. But I just can't and I dont know why. Either way Alex said he could arrange something and sleepover. At this point in time it was 6 o'clock...And I knew Julia was supposed to be home by 6, but to be honest I didn't really care because I didn't have to be home until whenever, because my mom wasn't going to be home until 11. Finally when me and Alex were don't talking at like 6:40, me and Julia got on the train and headed home... Julia was super freaked out, because her mom is super over protective. When we got off the train, we had no idea where we were. But thankfully I am very street smart, and figured out how to get home. I got Julia home within 30 mins...I was super proud that we made such good time, because it is supposed to take an hour. After, me and Chris hung out, and he bought me an ice tea from Dunkin Donuts...Chris is so nice to me. After that I got ready for Alex to come over, I had a huge surprise planned for him, but he had to smoke one last joint at his friends house, and because of that he didn't get to my house until the exact same time as my mother. So I did not end up following through with the surprise. After we talked and fucked and it was all kosher... and he said he would take me on an actual date the next day!

Oct 5, 2012- Spending French class complaining about Alex

So here we are again, in french class in that stupid language lab. I feel like I'm at an office job, with the way this room is set up. I swear I feel like watching grass grow would be more entertaining then this. We are supposed to be putting different amounts of money in a converter, and writing what they come out to be, but I don't see how that is at all beneficial to me, or anyone else in this class. therefore I am not going to do it. As far as Alex is concerned, I've decided that I am just going to go about my life, and stop trying to make plans with him, and if he would like to see me then he can figure it out. But I am certainly not going to sit around like his little puppy, waiting for there owner to come home and play with them. Me and Lorraine, were going to have a "sleepover" and stay out all night, but he more doesn't trust her enough to let her go anywhere (for good reasons). So I think if Alex doesn't call I am just going to go hang out with Julia... Vienna also asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I might go do that too, because Julia can't hang out until 5... And well you know how Alex said he could stay over this weekend, because the check ups for his parole haven't started yet? Well now he is all like, "Well babe, I don't even know anymore..." Like you don't know what? How hard is it to make a freaking plan and stick to it, its not freaking rocket science. Gosh, sometimes I wish so badly I could go back to the days where Alex and I saw each other everyday, and he called me non stop, and would write cute statuses on Facebook about me. I know I complained a lot then, but I swear I would give anything to go back to those days, lately I feel like I don't even know where I stand anymore. He honestly doesn't do anything, I'm the one who goes out of her way to see him, and is constantly trying to make plans with him, and he doesn't do dick squat. Even that day when I didn't go to school and I said I was going to go all the way to Brookline to see him after school...He didn't think of all the effort I was making, he just responded with, "Well, I might leave school early, because I don't really feel like being here." Like honestly, if it were me I would suck whatever, up because I would be so thrilled that at the end I would get to see the person I love. But lately he hasn't been the same, he is high all the time, and barely goes to class, I wish he could take a step back and see that he is throwing his life away. Everyone knows that I love him a lot, and would do anything to make this work, but there is only so much a person can take, and I'm starting to get sick of all this crap. Like I know I complain constantly, but that is because nothing ever changes with him. For Alex, it's all about Alex. He doesn't ever take anyone's feeling into consideration. I can't stand how self centered he is, every single time we go somewhere he expects me to pay for him. AND STILL, he hasn't taken me to a movie, I freaking blatantly asked his last weekend, but since it isn't something he wants, it doesn't matter to him. Like every time he screws up, he goes "I am going to make this up to you." But not once has he ever made anything up to me. Like I said, he probably doesn't remember the movie thing, because its not something HE wants to do, or if he does remember he probably just thinks that I love him too much to walk away so he doesn't have to do anything for me because I'm not going to say anything. This has been my biggest problem since the beginning, and I keep thinking I've come to terms with it, but maybe I never will, and Alex obviously is never going to change. Therefore I need to decide if it is something I can look past or not, and if not then maybe Alex isn't the guy for me, and as much as it will kill me, maybe I should just walk away, because in the end of the day, the only person who ends up constantly feeling like shit is me, because I keep thinking things will be different when they wont. And Alex doesn't care one way or another, because as long as everything is on his terms (which it always is) then everything is fine... And Alex saying that's just not who is is, well nobody ever wants to put themselves out, but when you love someone you do things that you don't necessarily want to be doing to make the other person happy. And if Alex seriously can't look beyond himself for one day, then maybe I'm better off with out him.

Oct 3, 2012- The later it gets, the stupider I get

So you know how everything was actually fine for once...well me being me had to go fuck it up... Everyone knows I say stupid things at 1am, yet I still decided to video chat with Alex against my better judgement...Stupid me ended up giving him the address to my blog..and he ended up reading the shit I wrote about Agustin... Yet after reading it he still came back with, "I love you, but you've got some explaining to do." Ughhhh sometimes I swear i need to start using my head... And I really need to not be so open with Alex... Because I don't like him knowing just how much I really love him, because I don't want him to take advantage of that... The weird thing is I was talking to his friend Vienna all day giving her advice, but if I could actually take some of my own advice once in a while, I would be in control... Yet for some reason I had to go fall in love with Alex and loose all control, ever since then it has been one stupid decision after another, but I can't help the way I feel about Alex...I don't think Alex has enough of an attention span to go back and read the rest of my blog, in fact I legit pray he doesn't, because I don't know how to delete this stupid thing...and if he sees all the stuff I wrote including the Stacey thing, I am honestly going to shit out a fucking elephant... AND YES I AM DEAD SERIOUS! ugh well I'm super tired, and my computer is going to die in like 5 seconds anyway...so goodnight... and pray for me that he doesn't read the rest...because that my friend would just be a big bowl of awksauce....

Oct 3, 2012- Winning the dating game, first means becoming a master of the waiting game

I spend most of my school day in a daze...Today my brain felt completely fried...I couldn't absorb any information, nor could I manage to collect my thoughts. Vienna ended up texting me, and she's super nice and we have a lot in common. After I got home from school, my mom had given me her phone for a second to look at the mean messages my dad had sent her as usual...but me being me ended up looking at more then just that. I ended up finding messages from her and one of my fathers really good friends who is married. I never thought that my mother of all people was like that, but this just proved that everyone was the same, some people we just better at hiding it then others, and apparently my mother was one of the people who were better at hiding it... I was the type of person who lied all the time, but people always found out, but not because I wasn't a good liar...but because I always ended up indirectly telling on myself, because I secretly wanted everyone to know the truth. Anyway, after that I had dance, and once again Christine was trying to get in my business...I don't know what is up with my dance teacher, but she needs to focus more on teaching me to dance, and less on my personal life, because my dancing is even more screwed up then my personal life, and that right there should tell you something about how awful my dancing must be hahaa. Well right now I really wish Alex would call me or something because I want to talk to him, but I was the last one to text him and he didn't respond... And if I want to win the dating game, I need to learn to master the waiting game...so that's what I'm going to do, even if it kills me I'm going to wait until HE hits me up! lol

Oct 2, 2012- A trip to Alex's world

I ended up going to Alex's school to see him, and my mom ended up turning my phone back on, but just for today, because I needed it to get in touch with people. I spend an hour getting ready, and when I left my house I looked freaking amazing. I was super nervous, because I don't like being out of my element, unless I'm with a friend. But I wasn't, I was alone, as plus I knew that some of the girls that went there that were friends with Alex didn't like me, Like Vickii, who started off being my friend, until I introduced her to Alex. and Hannah, who I had met through Vickii. But I hated Hannah as well, because I knew that she was a whore, and she had these huge boobs, like I'm not even exaggerating when I say these things looked like they could scare a small child, or maybe even a full grown one. But one thing I am very good at is faking confidence, even when I have none... How do you think I survived Alex's birthday dinner? So anyway, i put on my mask and started walking, pretending to be talking on the phone, when all of a sudden Alex jumped up behind me and grabbed me, I screamed. He was with his short cute black friend... Alex told me his name like 5 times but I don't remember. So the three of us hung out for a little bit because we had to go get something before Alex took me to Will's house. Before we got to Will's house Alex warned me that will might try ti tell me some stuff but not to believe him, because Will like to start shit for no reason. But that just made me curious, to see what Will had to say, so I spend the whole time at Will's house trying to get Will alone, so I could ask him. But it wasn't easy, and it's not like it was the most comfy situation, because it was me, alone in a house with 6 guys, there only thing that made me feel okay, was knowing I had Alex there. Because the one thing Alex would never do is leave me alone. Finally Alex went outside to smoke, and I asked Will why Alex would say that...Will thought about this for a little, then told me Alex had been cheating on me with a bunch of people. I immediately got up, grabbed my jacket and my pocketbook and walked out of Will's house and started walking back the way I came. When I walked past Alex, Alex started called my name, asking where I was going, but I didn't answer. I just continued to walk away as fast as I could. Alex started running after me, and would let me leave until I let him explain himself, in a way I was kind of shocked that he came after me, but it made me a little relieved that he cared enough to fight for this relationship. He explained to me that Will never gets any girls and that that's why he tries to wreak everyone else's relationships. But at the moment that wasn't good enough for me, I wanted to believe him so badly, but on the other hand I didn't want to be the idiot who kept getting cheat on, but couldn't see it because she was blinded by love. I know that happens, because I've seen it happen, me and Agustin used to fool around, and he'd talk crap about his girlfriend Sid, and in the end of the day he would go back to her and be like "Baby I don't know what you're talking about, I love you I would never cheat on you!" And she would fall for it, because she loved him, and I later me and Agustin would sit back and laugh at how nieve she was. And yes I know now that that is horrible, and I wish I could take it back...but I can't so I just have to live with my mistakes...But anyway back to my story ahahaha. So Alex kept saying he could call a bunch of people and get them to tell me that Will was lying and that he does shit like this all the time. But I didn't care what anyone else had to say, so I told Alex that if it really wasn't true then he would go confront Will, so that is exactly what Alex did. He brought me back to Will's house and brought Will on the porch and confronted Will, but Will stuck to his story. So Alex dragged this random asian dude who was standing there, and according to the asian dude, he sees Alex everyday and he doesn't cheat, and Will has done shit like this in the past. At that point nothing anyone said was going to change how I felt, I just wanted to get out of there, and go home so I could cry my eyes out, and then get over it. So I again started walking away. As I started walking down the stairs, some black guy tried to stop me by blocking me from leaving, but I pushed him back and continued down the stairs. Again Alex came after me, and I told him that if he is at all human, he will have the decency to tell me the truth. He insisted that he honestly didn't do anything besides the thing I already knew about. Finally I gave in and huggest him, because at the end of the day I truly love that boy more then I can even put into words. I really hope that he isn't cheating on me because that would honestly kill me. But I trust him. After all that, me and Alex we going to grab some food, but we ran into Vickii, she was in his friend Vienna's car. They offered to give us a ride, to the center to we could get food, but instead we all ended up going to the mall near my house. I had the best time, and turns out I like Vickii, and Vienna is So freaking nice! I had the best time, but at the end I hated saying goodbye to Alex. It always feels like our time flies by so quickly... sometimes I swear I wish I could just be with him forever, and never have to leave his side. Ugh well hope I get to see him before friday, but that is highly unlikely... but either way at least this weekend is a long weekend so I will get to spend more time with him. And on tuesday I don't have school and he does, so I am planning on stopping bye again! Also me and Agustin made a plan to hang out this friday at his house at 12pm, and be "secret friends"...but I know that is a bad idea, because even though Agustin has changed so much, every time I look into his big green eyes, I see everything we used to be, and I can't help that I still have a little bit of feelings for him, and I probably always will...But Alex is the guy I love and I honestly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else...well I'm super tired, so I'm going to bed...GOODNIGHT(:

Oct 2, 2012- Home "sick"

As it turns out, the whole Alex probation situation isn't as bad as I thought it was, it is 10 times worse! Its not his house he has to be at everyday by 8, but his dads girlfriends house! That means I will never see him after 8, that means I can't go see him after 8, because that women is horrible and hates me, and I hate her just as much! Today I stayed home from school "sick." I think I am going to go pick Alex up from his school, but I have to first find a way to get in touch with him, because my bitchy mother took my phone away... Gosh I swear everyday things get harder and harder for me and Alex, it is like I am fighting a losing battle. I;m going to use my home phone to call him in a little bit. He is in school though so I am probably going to end up leaving a message, but thats fine, I just want to see him today, because to be honest, all I really want right now is to just give him a hug...thats it.

Oct 2, 2012- 6 months is a long time

Well it's unfortunate that my huge epiphany about Alex couldn't have been sooner then yesterday, because today thing got all screwed up again. Alex had court in the morning, because of a crime he committed like three months ago. I thought everything was going to be find, and he would get like community service of something, but he got a curfew, so from now on he must be in his house by 8 everyday, or he will go to jail. Do you know what that means? That means no more sleepovers, no more falling asleep in Alex's arms, no more waking up next to him, no more Alex rubbing my back and playing with my hair until I fall asleep, and no more random sex at 3 am... He is on probation and has this curfew for 6 months! Yes, thats right, I said 6 months! Now that may not seem like a lot of time, but i assure you, when you're 15 years old, 6 months is forever... I'm super upset, and I know that is super selfish, because he obviously must feel 100 times worse then I possibly could. I also have no idea how to explain this to my mother. She is going to wonder why Alex suddenly stopped sleeping over, and what am I supposed to say, well he has a curfew because he robbed someone at gun point?

Oct 1, 2012- What a nice basement

Well yesterday after work Alex came and picked me up from work. I was so happy to see him I ran out of my the ice cream shop where I work, and leaped into him arms and gave him the hugest hug ever. After that we when to my house and hung out, my mom made dinner. After dinner we told my mom we were going for a walk, then left my house, and went back in through the basement. We set up a mattress and blankets in the basement, the had sex... we were both super sure we were going to get caught, but we didn't end up getting caught thankfully, because that would have made for an extremely awkward rest of the evening. After that we really did take a short walk,and Alex made me realize something, that he isn't the romantic type, but when you truly love someone, you don't try to change them, because you are in love with the person they are, not the person you'd like them to be. I thought about it a lot and it made sense to me, it made me realize, that there honestly isn't anyone else I would rather be with then Alex. He really fucks up sometimes, and he is honestly the least romantic person out there, but I know Alex would do anything I asked if it mean't making me happy, he is extremely hot, and he loves me to pieces, sometimes when I fall asleep in his arms, he will just lay awake next to me rubbing my back or playing with my hair just because he knows I like it....and that I've never had to tell him to do, he just does it because he wants to. He also doesn't care what anyone says, not that anyone says anything, but he will take me anywhere with him, because he is so proud to be seen with me, and he always talks about forever, because I think he honestly thinks we are going to get married...well i sure as hell hope so. So thinking of all this, why would I ever want to give this up, Alex is the one person who makes me feel at home, and I am so in love with the person he is, he isn't perfect, but perfect doesn't exist, but for me Alex is as close as it gets to perfect... So I am deciding to stop being so pushy about certain things, and stop getting so mad, because that is who he is, and I need to stop focusing on the one thing he isn't and start focusing on the hundreds of reasons that he is the perfect guy! Alright well I have to go great ready for school...ugh it's going to be a long week... By the way Agustin texted my last night! But he is a story for a different day when I have more time hahaha... Ok well bye