Dec 4, 2013- Couldn't wait any longer

     Today I cracked... I called Alex while I was supposed to be at jiu jistu on my grandma's phone, because honestly I missed him so much.  I saw he is now talking to this bitch Marii who he promised he wouldn't talk to because she said and did a lot of horrible shit to me... But I guess like all things he promises my, there really is no follow through.  Regardless it's whatever and I am just going to be fine with it because I don't want to fight with him.  Hopefully someday he starts putting me first before other girls, but for now its all whatever.  I talked to norman today and told him I love Alex and he was very upset with me because...well...his exact words were "Being broke, LIKING dudes an smoking too much isn't a real problem.  Cheating on you, putting others before you, and putting you down in anyway in unacceptable.  The fact that he expects you to still be there is disgusting, and the fact that you put up with any of it when plenty of other people (me) would want to treat you like a queen is just stupid."  It was kind of nice though that he is looking out for me, and nice to know that in the end of the day Norman really does care about me and will be there for me.

Dec 3, 2013- A blast from the past and a trip to the future

     Today was strange... I went to text Alex on my texting app this morning and then thought about it and realized I can't be the one distracting him from his school work, so I deleted what I had typed and put my phone away.

     Later, my friend Ana was talked to this guy Norman... Since you don't know who Norman is I will just give you a quick summary.  He was this dude I met through this guy Blue I was dating, and I ended up sleeping with Norman and he was my first.  Also, we would always do this thing where we would go back and forth saying "Omg just admit you like me, everyone knows you do!" and neither of us would ever admit it.  So today he texted me and mid conversation I used that line jokingly, but I guess you can't tell through text. Regardless his response was "Yeah I always have, and its never been a secret."  Then he started asking me to give him a chance, like WTF!?  

     After school I went to my second day of my new job, and surprising it wasn't as bad as the first day.  The place is super high tech, and I feel like I can't keep up, it's like i'm caught in the wrong century. Luckily today I finally somewhat knew what I was doing, and I worked with this guy Shant that used to go to my school but graduated and is now in college.  I thought he was going to be a complete asshole but he actually ended up being super nice, and at the end of the night he saved my butt.  I was supposed to mop the floors, and I have never mopped anything in my life, and lets just say it was not a pretty sight I looked like a drunk bitch trying to wrestle Shamoo.  Finally Shant came over and helped me out.  Seta my boss also said if I think of an idea for a seasonal latte then they will sell it!  

Dec 2, 2013- "I been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers"

Well today was the first day of basketball tryouts, and lets just say "I been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers." I am literally drenched in sweat (yes I'm aware hot attractive that sounds...haha not). I can't even move and to think I have jiu jitsu in an hour, oh god, I can't. Anyway I am also not allowed to talk to Alex until I start getting strait A's and as his dad says "Alex stoop doing marihuana (in very Russian accent)." Which sucks, but at least I can see him for the holidays. The reason I'm telling you this is because I think I am going to start blogging every night so if he wants to see what is going on in my life all he has to do is check out my blog.

Nov 25, 2013- Everything has an expiration date

     It’s times like this when you realize how cruel life actually can be.  Those moments when you don’t fight back, cry, or even flinch, because the affliction is so deep, the bodies only coping mechanism is to go numb.  There is only thing everything in this world has in common.  Everything living, every object, even intangible ideas all have a life span.  Everything living died at some point, all material things deteriorate over time, and feeling pass.  In this case it was none of the above, no one died, and the feeling didn’t pass.  But time had its way and now I’m forced to let go of the closest person to me.  As much as I want to fight back and try to keep things going I know in my heart that it isn’t the right thing to do and right now I just need to step back and work on things I can control, like school and getting my life together, and hopefully someday I will be able to have Alex back. 

November 15, 2013- I've officially driving away the only person who means anything to me away

     Today I finished my book I was making for Alex, I was so excited to leave school and show him, because I've been having a pretty horrible week, and I really miss him a lot.  But he asked if we could hangout tomorrow instead since he was feeling tired today.  I just got off the phone with him and he said he needs a break from me, normally if something like this happened I would try to talk to him until things got fixed, but at that moment my heart just shattered into a million pieces and as hard as I tried I couldn't make any words come out.  And the part that broke me the most was that I was in so much pain and he didn't even seem to care or notice.  He says he is going through stuff right now, but so am I, and I thought we went through things together, that no matter how bad things got it would be alright because we had each other.  The worst part is I know this is all my fault, because lately I've been freaking out about him spending all his time with this girl Mari.  Like I know he isn't doing anything with her, but I guess I'm just jealous, because lately I miss him so much, and I wish I was the one who he spent all his time with.  And I feel so stupid, because I just wait by the phone all day waiting for him to call, and he just talks to me for 5 mins and hangs up.  I don't know why I am writing this, because writing/thinking about this has gotten me to the point where I'm starting to hyperventilate.  This isn't the kind of fight you write some Facebook status about, because you want to make a show, or because you want attention, or even just because you want someone to talk to.  I know this is bad, because I honestly don't want to talk to anyone, it hurts so badly I just want to be alone and just try to calm myself down, and fall asleep so I can forget.

Nov 3, 2013- The Green Eyed Monster

     Today I introduced my best friend Catherine to this guy Van.  I've never really chilled with him before so I didn't really know what he was like, all I knew was Catherine was looking desperately for a guy and he is close enough to our age and single.  Van lives like a street over from me, so we met him at the Dunkin Donuts near my house and from there went to harvard square and just hung out.  There is something I have to share and I know it is so wrong and the only reason I'm sharing it on here is because I have to get it out. It's not like I can even tell my friends, because the only two people I'm close two are Catherine and Alex, and neither one of them can ever find out about this.  The truth is I think I literally almost fell in love with Van today, but the problem is Catherine did too.  I completely understand why though because first of all he is honestly one of the best looking guys I have ever met in my entire life, and he was wearing the cutest outfit today, it was this adorable gray jacket, a black hoodie, and jeans...I know nothing special but it looking so freaking adorable!  But anyways, aside from his amazingly good looks, the way he speaks sounds so intelligent, and he knows so much, but he's not just smart he is also funny and nice, and really down to earth.  To top that all off he is a total gentlemen, like he held doors open, offered to buy he stuff and ugh...was just so cute...like I don't understand how the hell he is freaking  single.  Too bad I already introduced him to Catherine, and he already seems to like her.  After we all hung out I texted him and asked him what he thought of her and he was like, "Haha she's super cool. It went a lot better than I expected it to, and it surprised me how cute she was (blind dates don't usually go that way), but what did she think of me?"  Like I am happy for my friend...well at least I want to be happy for her, but I can't help but be secretly jealous.  Also, like Alex hasn't seen me all weekend, and again today he had plans with me but he said he couldn't because of a family thing, and just like before it was really so he could see Eli.  But like the weird part is I totally don't give a fuck, like all I can think about is Van and how to step the fuck back and be happy for my friend.  Gosh that's going to be hard to do, but I got this.

Oct 27, 2013- A flash of magic

     At that moment I suddenly understood exactly how my mom felt every time Dennis visited and the left to go back to Florida.  That moment when you finally get the person you love back and then you have to say goodbye to them all over again.  The weird part was I wasn't sad and I didn't cry, it just left me with a lingering feeling of emptiness and left me wondering if it was all just a fabrication of the mind.  Last night I finally got my boyfriend back, and for the first time in forever he was allowed to come over and sleepover.  He stayed the whole day and we made hamburgers for dinner together. In what felt like a blink of an eye it was all over so fast.  I really hope we can have another day like that soon because it was really nice getting to spend time with Alex.

October 15, 2013- looking up from rock bottom

"Stupid!" "Failure!" "Disappointment!" I swear I can see the words in my sleep. I can eat, I'm trying to be strong and hold it together at least on the outside but my insides are crumbling.  I hate myself so much and wish so badly I could be anyone but me.  I am so miserable.  Knowing I will never be good enough makes me hate myself so much, and my mothers non stop abusive words are literally tarring my apart from the inside out.  I don't even fight back anymore I just let her keep insulting me until she's feels like she has hurt me enough, because honestly I don't have it in me anymore. I feel so broken and wish nothing more then to just not exist, i truly don't know how I can possibly go on like this. 

October 14, 2013- Stay or walk away?

     Today I was at Ana's house studying for the SAT's when I started to realized how in over my head I feel.  I am so stressed out with everything I have to do and everyone is coming at my from every different angle telling me how I should run my life, and I just don't know what the right decision is anymore.  My mother is constantly screaming at me and telling me I am throwing away my life and now my friends are starting to say the same.  It's like everyone has such high expectations for me and I just can't meet them... this is partly the reason I told Alex I need a break from him today, because first of all I am so stressed out I just need to be with my own thoughts, and second of all everyone says he is dragging me down and I just don't know how to please everyone, and just be left alone.  I am also tremendously afraid for what my future holds, and I am worried I will not live up to everyones standards, and be a let down to my family, friends, alex, and worst of all myself.  I am trying so hard but it seems like nothing I do is good enough and I just can't seem to figure out the answer to solve all my problems... But my life is complicated right now and having Alex in it is only going to make it more complicated for both me and him, because I will barely have time to see him.  Also I really love Alex  so much, but I am doing the same thing to him that my mom does to me and now I kind of understand where she is coming from. Loving someone so much that you just want to see them succeed.  I have to say not calling Alex has been extremely hard, because he is the only person I can turn to to make my feel better when everything is wrong.  But I guess sometimes you have to let go of things even if it hurts.  I was thinking about this question all day, is it better to be successful and alone, or nothing with the one you love.  I think the answer is nothing with the one you love, because I think even if me and Alex end up living in a one bedroom apartment someday in some shitty neighborhood I will still be happy just because I am with him, and he makes me the happiest person alive.  But everyone says this is wrong and it is just my childish mind. That I need to cut him loose and focus on the important things in life.  Since following my own advice has never really got me very far I think for once I am going to listen to someone else.

Oct 7, 2013- I have friends haha

     Yesterday was a rainy day, I ended up going to the mall with Fiona and Catherine.  We actually had a really great time.  We had planned on going there any trying to pick up guys, so we decided we would get Fiona's hair flat ironed.  Fiona is 4'11 and she is not attractive at all.  She's not my favorite person in this world, and to be honest I only hang out with her because her and Catherine are like a package deal, and in order to hang out with Catherine, Fiona has to come too.  So we went to the place where those people try to sell you flat irons and I asked the lady to test it out on Fiona's hair.  The lady turned out to be super crazy, and wouldn't let us leave until we bought something, she was like grabbing onto my wrist and being super scary. I ended up saying I had to go to the bathroom and not coming back, and for the rest of our mall trip I refused to go to that side of the mall.  Later we were walking by one of those carts where the modeling people try to get you to join their company, and the modeling people had left and two dudes were there who obviously just took this as an opportunity to pick up girls.  They called me over and said "Would you like to be a model?"  He pulled out his phone and continued "just put your number right here and we will call you!"  It was super funny and if I was single I would have totally gone for it.  Humor is always a good way to win a girl over, and lots of people say pick up lines are creepy but I think they're funny.  Also I got this babysitting job... Well I didn't get it yet, but I have an interview with the family tomorrow night, but I really hope it works out because it pays a lot and right now I am kind of broke.  Like Literally I have no money, which sucks because I am used to paying for myself and my boyfriend and everyone else.... And I'm not complaining about that because I like taking care of everyone, I just wish sometimes someone would take care of me... But thats whatever....

Still Oct 2, 2013- defeated

I don't know how to describe it but you know those moments where you just feel so defeated it's ineffable.  Well now is one of those moments. I used to get jealous that my family loved my boyfriend so much, but now that my mother hates him I would do anything to have those moments back.  I miss the moments when we all felt like one big family. There is no greater feeling then everyone just getting along and being happy. Thinking back to all the times I was angry with Alex for not standing up to my mother, I now see why he chose the play his cards the way he did.  There is nothing that can fix this because Alex doesn't want to just swallow his pride and apologize for what went on and my mother won't forgive without an apology.  This makes me feel very alone because I feel like I'm losing Alex. I miss him so much and don't want to have to sneak around with him.  I just want everyone to be happy again.  I tried to ask him to please just apologize even if he doesn't mean it but he won't.  I just don't know what to do. I miss him so much but it doesn't look like I will be seeing him anytime soon.  I don't really want to talk to him if I can't have him because that just makes it worse.  I think I will just take some space, because the more I talk to him the more I wish I could just be with him, even if only for a few minutes.  I run out of class like an idiot every time he calls, and pretend I have lunch so he won't hang up and tell me to go back to class... Right now I'm sitting on the swings at the park, but I am eventually going to have to go home and just go to sleep and try to forget.

Oct 2, 2013- Practice what you preach

     Well I am home from school now even though my school doesn't get out until 2:30, I left at 1:30 and didn't realize that I don't have a freaking key to my own house, so I am stuck sitting in my grandma's house even though she isn't home because she left her door open today.  In math class I was taking a test and my friend needed help so she kept passing me back a paper asking for answers.  The teacher ended up seeing it and took it away.  I was freaking out the rest of the class thinking I was going to fail his class and get suspended.  Luckily he let me off with a warning and didn't take away any points of anything.  I am supposed to have a meeting with my mother, the house master of my school (ms. Boudreaux) and the police officer who works at my school because of some crap that happened last year that is still dragging on, but I don't know how that is going to happen considering I left school already.  As for the whole Alex situation I have decided I was completely over reacting yesterday, because if flirting is that big of a deal then I clearly am not practicing what I am preaching.  I can't say anything about Alex because I have my own little flirtationships. And the truth is I don't really care so much that Alex flirts with that girl, the thing that bothers me is that she probably thinks shes so special and thinks I'm one big idiot. Like I can see it now, her just sitting there laughing together, him telling her how adorable she is and her thinking that he doesn't care about me at all, and that I'm just some pathetic chick who is just completely in the dark about the fact that my bf likes her.  But in the end of the day I guess its whatever, as long as he doesn't do anything with her then I guess its not a big deal.  Also today I have to pay $100 to bring my freaking kitten to the doctors for a check up.

Oct 1, 2013- You get what you will put up with

     Last night one of the guys who go to school with Alex, (Ervin) was telling me about how Alex is constantly flirting with some girl named Marisol.  At this point I don't even care anymore, I was stupid for expecting Alex to not want other girls after everything that happened last year.  I confronted him and he tried to lie about if until I backed him into a corner.  Honestly I already know that Alex is going to end up cheating on me with her, because this is what always happens.  But its whatever, if he feels the need to do that to me then fine, all I hope is that he at least has a little trouble sleeping at night.  Besides the Alex shit, there is this guy Ben who I hooked up with two weeks ago...yes I know I was dating Alex at this time. But regardless, Ben was really nice. Alex was being a jerk and Ben was there to hold me and make me feel better, and his parents were actually nice and I was actually allowed to go over his house.  I ended up really liking Ben, but after the last time we hung out which was two weeks ago he just stopped returning my texts.  I thought he didn't want to see me anymore but I just found out that he is in wilderness (a rehab program for people who use drugs).  There he can have any contact with the outside world, so unfortunately I wont be hearing from him for several months.  Maybe that is why I don't care about the Marisol thing?  Because if Alex wants to treat me like crap and make some other girl feel special I have someone who will treat me well.  The funny thing is two years ago when I was hooking up with that guy Agustin, and we would sit there and laugh about how clueless his girlfriend Sid was, I just though I was winning some game.  I never thought of how Sid would feel because up until I started dating Alex I never had to be the "Sid" in a relationship.  At this point though I am pretty sure I am Sid,  and that is why it is so hard to trust Alex.  All last year everyone told me he was cheating on me and I kept telling everyone "No not my boyfriend" and every time I would ask him he would say "No baby I love you and would never do that!" and I would believe him.  At the end though it turned out everything everyone said was true and even when I had concrete proof he still couldn't even have the decency to just be honest and own up to his mistakes.  He says this year things are different, but I have no way of knowing because he said the same thing last year.  In a way things are different this year, I am at a point where I honestly don't care that much, if we break up tomorrow I will cut my losses and walk away.  That is why I made a promise to myself that if I find out from one person this year that he is cheating on me, regardless of whether he actually is or not, at that moment I am dumping his white ass and never EVER looking back again.

Sept 30, 2013- Yes I'm Still Alive

     Yes, I know I haven't written in this thing in forever, but I have officially decided I am going to go back to writing in this blog.  I made this decision on my boyfriend Alex's birthday when I was looking back at all my old blog posts, and I liked that I have all those memories and thoughts documented.  I want to be able to look back at this year and read my old thoughts, so therefore I am going to start blogging regularly again.  Though there is nothing really interesting going on in my life at the moment.  I am in school just trying to make it to the end of the day, because at the moment I am extremely bored, so I guess this is kind of a pointless post.  Besides there is probably something I should be doing right now, as there usually is, but I honestly don't feel like doing any actual work right now.

Feb 10, 2013- An overstayed welcome

By the time Alex got to my house yesterday we had moved Jordan into my room and told him to stay there. We then told Alex that Maddy's boyfriend Danny was sleeping in my room so not to go in.  Alex ended up getting really suspicious, so I had to tell him.  At first he was really angry but then I talked it out with him and make it sound all innocent and he got over it.  After Alex was finally calm, Jordan came out of my room wearing Alex's clothes and I am so surprised Alex didn't completely loose it.  We all hung out for a while until Maddy had to go, leaving me alone with Alex and Jordan.  And since they lived two towns over and the snow storm caused the MBTA to be down, they both decided they were going to spend the night.
When me and Alex woke up this morning Jordan was still sleeping so I went to take a shower.  When I got out I realized that Alex had gone through my text messages and read that I had been flirting with Jordans and that we had cuddled the entire night before.  I felt so bad because Alex looked so hurt, and I love Alex so much, and I hate that I keep hurting him.  Alex asked if I even loved him, and my response was, "look I know I flirt and do stupid things but I love you in the end of the day."
      He responded with, "Yeah well what about the beginning."  After that Alex left and now I'm stuck with Jordan who has been here since freaking friday and I am so ready for him to leave but I don't know how to kick him out without being rude.

Feb 9, 2013- Stuck in a pickle

     The dilemma is huge and I don't know how to fix this situation.  In exactly 1 hour everything is going to come crashing down around me unless I figure some way around this, but at this point things aren't looking good.  Yesterday, before the snow storm started I decided to invite Jordan (the only guy my fb has forbidden me to hang out with) over.  I also invited my friend maddy over so I wouldn't do anything stupid. But the only problem with letting him come over was that now I can't figure out how to get him to leave.  The worst part of all this is my boyfriend Alex is now on his way over.  He is about to walk into his worst enemy sleeping on his girlfriends couch, wearing his clothes.  How could this get any worse?  For any suggestions on how to make sure my life doesn't blow up please email me Ari333333@yahoo.com

Feb 3, 2013- Ill tell you my dirty little secret

     Last night despite the conclusion I came to, I decided to let Agustin be my date to this party I was going to.  I ended up going to the party with Agustin, his friend Donald, and my friend Angelica.  It took us a bunch of time to get there because we couldn't find it, but Agustin stayed next to me making sure I was warm the entire time. After we got to the party it was so crowded seemed like it would be impossible to stay with anyone, and the worst part was everyone was speaking Spanish  which was fine for Agustin...but not at all for the rest of us.  We ended up loosing Angie and Donald, but Agustin made sure to take care of me the entire time, and made sure I was with him and then I felt comfortable and that he didn't loose me.  It was kind of nice to have someone who took such good care of me for once, even though Agustin isn't the type to care enough to do that, finally I remembered why I fell for him in the first place, we ended up kissing.  But for some reason as much as I was happy and I wanted to let this happen, I kept thinking back to Alex.  By the time the party ended I was drunk and high enough to send Alex a text of how much I truly miss him and want to see him tomorrow morning cuz I dont want to be without him anymore.  His response was "I wanna go to the Gym first." With Eli I'm guessing...by the time I got the text I wasn't even phased by it, because by this point I kind of already knew that was what was coming... I truly hope Alex never finds out about what happened with Agustin, because that would ruin our relationship...actually who know he might not even care, I mean he doesn't really seem to care much about me anyway, I don't see why he doesn't just end it.

Feb 1, 2013- Time isn't the issue

Time…a concept that everyone is quite indecisive about.  Something that no one could ever seem to decide if we had to much of it or too little.  When in a class we did not like, or on a dating with surely the most boring person in the world, or a slow day at work it always seemed like we had too much.  But on the contrary when spending time with a person we loved, or rushing from one appointment to another, it seemed we had just the opposite.  And that right there was the predicament I had thought I was in.  Angry, because I swore time was what kept my and Alex (the one person I truly cared about) apart so much.  But the more I began to access the situation, I realized though at some moments it may seem like we do not have enough time, I feel that we all have limited time for a reason.  That reason is the teach us how to prioritize out time and also to help us figure out what and who is important in enough to take up the little time we all actually do have.  With that being said I came to the painful conclusion that time wasn’t the issue in my relationship, the real issue was that the person I care most about choose not to make time for me.  

Jan 30, 2013- ANY THOUGHTS ON MY ENGLISH ESSAY?!

     Often it seems as though a person cannot change who they are, but this is not true, crises force people to become the person they need to be in the given situation, and that the instinct to survive can override any weakness in character.  In Adam Bagdasarian’s novel Forgotten Fire, the main character Vahan Kenderian starts off as a carefree individual who believes he will always be taken care of.  When crisis strikes, everything Vahan knows gets taken away from him, and he is forced to either take charge and grow up, or be killed.  As the story progresses he begins to show honor, integrity and self-reliance.

     In the beginning of the novel Vahan states,  “I walked with the confidence of a boy who has grown up in luxury, and knows that he will always be comfortable, always be well fed, always be warm in the winter and cool in the summer” (4).  His attitude towards life and thoughts about himself are, “My father was afraid that I lacked character and discipline.  And he was right.  As far as I was concerned, character and discipline were consolation prizes given to the meek, the unadventurous, and the unlucky” (5).  This mindset shows that Vahan is not interested in succeeding on his own, he lacks drive and thinks he can always rely on his father to carry him throughout life. 

      As time progresses without even noticing, Vahan begins to start showing the qualities that he lacked before.  After spending time at Goryan’s Inn, Vahan’s mother tells Vahan that, “I [the mother] cannot watch them kill you” and that she wants Vahan and his brother Sisak to leave in the middle of the night (50).  Even though this is a tough thing for Vahan to do, because his mother’s room is the one place he goes to whenever he feels nervous or unsure, he does it anyway without arguing because he knows that is what has to be done.  Leaving the one person he goes to for security shows Vahan is starting to understand what is going on and what needs to be done.  Later, Mrs. Altoonian tells Vahan that no Armenian is safe in Bitlis.  Vahan agrees, “though I [Vahan] had wanted to believe we were safe” (73).  Even though Vahan knows that he is not safe, there is still part of him that would like to believe otherwise, he still does not want to accept that this is reality and that his life really has changed.

     Near the end of the novel Vahan finds a part of himself he did not think was there.  He has come a long way from the boy who thought he could float through life, and always be taken care of.  He has come to terms with the situation he is in and understands what he needs to do to survive and just does it. Vahan finally realizes everything, when he tries to inform Selim Bey about what has been happening with Seranoush. When Vahan tells Selim Bey about the abuse Seranoush has endured, Selim Bey’s response is, “Pick your friends carefully and protect them if you can. Leave the rest to their fate” (138).   These words take away Vahan’s last bit of innocence and show him how cruel the world really can be.  When everything in the stable starts feeling strange, and Mrs. Mahari and her son suddenly disappear, Vahan knows he needs to watch out for himself, because he could be next.  “I [Vahan] had taken the precaution of arming myself with a pitchfork and a hammer. If the door opened and the old man stepped inside, I would either run him through with the pitchfork or crack open his withered pink skull with the hammer” (151) In this situation Vahan stays very alert and takes control, he is prepared to do what is necessary to survive.  This shows a drastic change in Vahan, because before he would just have assumed that everything would be okay, because he was Vahan Kenderian, but know he is much more in tuned to reality, and has a plan of action.

     In this novel, Vahan Kenderian shows he has all the traits his father believed he was lacking.  Even though he starts off as a spoiled boy, with a charmed life who has never had to work for anything, he quickly learns what it is like to work for something, when he is forced to work to keep the most important thing to him…his life.  Even though all the odds are stacked against him, Vahan shows honor integrity and self-reliance and he embarks on the journey to freedom from the Turkish soldiers.  It is a belief that people are unable to change who they are, that they are destined to be a certain way based on the cards they have been given.  Everyone is stereotypically categorized by friends, family and acquaintances, who have gone through life with the belief that people are one-dimensional.   However whether it is due to a severe illness, losing a loved one, or genocide, there is always something that can drive someone to become a different person.

Jan 30, 2013- Life is filled with choices

     Life is filled with choices, and lives are shaped and we are defined by the choices we make when faced with a difficult juncture.  As I sit here is english class and type this I can help but thinking about the things Agustin said to me last night, and at first I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m making the right decision.  Sometimes I wish that life didn’t involve so many decisions, that I didn’t have to make choose, I could just have both.  Then I could be with Agustin and Alex.  Maybe this is because I don’t trust in my own judgment, because it has failed me in the past.  Either way that isn’t how life works, and I must decide what I want before someone gets hurt, it isn’t fair to string two people along…Any suggestions? 

Jan 30, 2013- Agustin Adolfo Medina Hardina

     Yes, that is his name...Agustin Adolfo Medina Hardina.... And a year ago I would have done anything to be with him.  When I first met him he was all I could think about, he was the best looking guy I had ever seen, and I had so many changes to get his name or number, but I kept blowing it. But fate wasn't giving up on me, I randomly ran into him 7 times before I finally got his number.  As it turned out he has a girlfriend, but I didn't care.  I was determined.  As time progressed me and him started to go on dates and I was like his best kept secret, but I didn't want to be a secret, I wanted to be his girlfriend. He kept saying he was going to dump Sid (his girlfriend) for me, but when it all came down to it Sid won.  To get back at him I dated his step brother and best friend. Finally I let myself move on and found Alex.  Last night I finally answer Agustin, who has been texting me nonstop for a while.  He told me he liked me a lot and screwed up choosing Sid over me. He then said "I want to be with you... How ever you want it... If we keep it secret if we date or if we're just friends with benefits idc I just want you bad...". I didn't know how to respond, because I couldn't believe something that would have made me the happiest person alive a year ago now meant so little to me... I kind of just left him hanging, because I knew I could never leave Alex for anyone, I loved Alex and no kind words could change that.

Jan 28, 2013- Every action has a consequence...

     I knew giving in and taking the pills she wanted me to would come with a consequence.  After all that was why I had spent the past 6 months finding anyway possible to make sure I never let a single one of those little red pills slip down my throat.  But I couldn't do this much longer, she was catching onto me.
     four weeks ago I finally started taking the pills my mother desperately wanted me to take, because she believed medicine was the cure to everything  and that fighting wasn't normal, differences in opinion weren't okay, and since I didn't agree with everything she wanted, there had to be a medication for that.  And the second she thought I started taking the medicine, all of a sudden in her mind everything got better.  A few days after I started taking the pills I didn't feel right, I was so tired all the time, that it hurt to be awake, I had no motivation at all and I couldn't stop eating.  As the days progressed these symptoms got worse, and my hands started to have a tremor.  I wanted to tell her that the medicine was slowly ruining me, but I knew I couldn't suddenly have symtoms from a medicine I had supposedly been taking for 6 months.  At this point there was only one other option, I had to figure out how to go back to not taking it...but the problem was she watched me everyday while I took my medicine.

Jan 23, 2013- The cards I've been dealt

     Today I realized that my mother is not the person she was, she's always been a little on the crazy side, but as the years went on she got progressively worse.  Until now she is completely gone, the mom I knew is no longer there, all that is left is a heartless broken woman with no passion for anything.  It's been hard to come to the conclusion but I have finally excepted the fact that there is something mentally wrong with my mother, it's like she's bipolar and I wish so badly she would go back to the person she was when there was still some of the real her left.  But it is what it is, and I'm done crying, I'm done feeling sorry for myself, everyone is dealt a certain set of card, and just have to make do with what they've got, so that is what I plan to do.

Jan 22, 2013- An endless day

     Today was something else...My mother went out to work for the day so I decided to surprise her and  clean her room, my room and cleared off and entire shelf and organized all her beading stuff by color, then I took down the old dog crate and brought the huge ass thing all the way down two flights of stairs to my basement.  Thinking my mother would be super happy when she got home, I couldn't wait for her to come home.  When she got home she wasn't amused, she couldn't have cared less. I was kind of surprised and disappointed.   Then she went on to complain about the fact that I didn't want to go with her to the cupcake shop.  Later, after making me and my sister dinner, I was studying and she came downstair to where I was and started ranting about god knows what, she ended up hitting me with a remote, then calling Alex and leaving him a voicemail of us fighting.  I tried to call Alex back afterwards, and he didn't answer, it made me worried that something was wrong.  As I'm typing this I can hear the bitch upstairs, she's on the phone with my boyfriend Alex, god knows what they're talking about, at this point I honestly don't even want to know.

Jan 20, 2012- My new world

     Yesterday I went to Alvin's art gallery to check it out and meet with him...Walking in I was kind of nervous, because I hate going places by myself.  When I entered I noticed it was unfinished, but still amazing.  He was going to use to space for people to create are but also there was another room where he would throw art parties with singing and dancing and there was a bar.  The upcoming party had a bunch of really professional important people, and it was invitation only, but he said I could come and bring some friends of mine!  He thinks I'm 19, even though I'm 15, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn't need an id to get into the party, so I casually asked if I should bring my id with me, and he was like, "nah you don't need it, I know you're 19."  He then taught me some tips for sketching, and next Saturday he is teaching me how to do graffiti on canvas!!

Jan 17, 2013- New day, new opportunities(:

     So today I had the idea to talk to this guy I know Alvin Acoma who owns an art gallery...I told him I do art and asked if he had any tips for me...he told me he'd like to help me get even better at art then maybe put some of my art in his gallery!  How awesome would that be?  well that means I have to go practice, after I finish doing the other hundred and fifty things on my list of things to do...ugh...life is so stressful, lately I haven't had even a moment to breathe between mid-term exams, catching up with school work, tutoring, work, and housework, and now this art thing...lol wish me luck, and coffee!

Jan 15, 2013- Time to myself

My newest sketch
what do you think?

     Today was long, lately I've been lazy when it comes to going to school, because after being out for so long it's hard to get back into the swing of things.  Before I used to miss Alex so much when I didn't see him, but lately things have been getting better...I've been finding more time for myself and I started sketching again.  Its not so hard to be apart from him anymore, because I am much more secure in my relationship...Before anytime anyone left I was always worried I might never see them again, and that made it really hard to be apart from Alex whom I cared about so much...But lately I just know he will be back, so it is okay.

Jan 10, 2013- The loss of my innocence

     Growing up in a town where every sports game ends in a tie, and every child believes in santa until they are 12, is the parents of my towns way of trying to keep their children as sheltered as possible for as long as possible.  Each and everyone of us are taught from the beginning never to look at anyone differently, and never ever point out anyone else's differences.  Now all this is nice, but the down side to growing up in such a sheltered town is you don't realize that not everyone is this open and excepting.  You start to think that things like racism don't really exist.  Until Alex, I never thought twice about the fact that I wasn't white, because no one had ever treated me any different because I wasn't and no one had every really pointed it out to me, so it wasn't a big issue.  After meeting my boyfriend's father, and realizing he didn't like me, I couldn't believe that someone could have anything against me, especially my boyfriends father, whom I had tried so hard to make like me.  A few weeks into our relationship, after hearing his father talking, I realized he didn't like me because I wasn't white, and that apparently made me socially lower class then his family according to him (which is funny because at the time his father was renting a one bedroom apartment and my family owns a 2 story house).  Regardless the more I was around his dad, the more I tried to change his opinion.  It wasn't until today when the dad and his girlfriend, both told Alex that I was never welcome in their home, ever that I realized that I would never be able to change their opinions about me.  They are both racist and I will never be good enough for them, and no matter what I do that will always be the case.  Today I finally understood that racism is very real, and for the first time I couldn't just turn on my charm and make them like me, and I had to deal with the fact that there were people in this world that would judge me without ever giving me a fair chance, and even those I didn't chose that, it was something I was going to have to face in life.  This conclusion was very hard to come to, because I wanted to think that everyone in the world was good and excepting, I wanted to be oblivious to the truth again because it was a huge blow to my self esteem.  Refusing to see what was really out there was the last piece of my innocence that I was holding onto, but now I have officially lost all my innocence...

Jan 10, 2012- It's not still new years?

     So yes, even though I thought I had given up on blogging, I decided that I missed my blog too much.  There isn't really much I have to say...in fact nothing about school, because my school vacation never really ended.  We went back to school last wednesday, but I got sick so I didn't get to go back.  Then after going to the hospital, I found out I have a kidney infection, so I haven't gone back to school yet.  This year I am planning for a new start, my first new years resolution is to be friendlier (if that's a word?).  Because I am not always a people person, I can be quiet bitchy, and start problems for no reason other then the fact that I like to argue.  Also I want to paint more, haha I know that sounds random, but I used to paint, and then I just stopped, so I want to start that again...And thats kind of all, other then that I'm really not sure what I want to change....Anyone have any good resolutions for this year?