Nov 7, 2012- Too many thoughts...

     It has gotten to a point where I can't take this anymore.  I honestly just need a break, a moment to think, a moment to breath.  I hate being home so much, my family is so awful to me, and I try so hard not to let it bother me, but i can't.  It hurts so bad to know my own mother hates me, and my sister is like a carbon copy of her, and she treats me equally as bad.  They gang up on me and constantly say horrible things to me and I wish so badly I had someone that I was close to, to talk to.  But I don't like dumping my problems on other people, and as you probably already know if you read my last post that Alex has enough on his plate, and does not need to worry about me.  Plus I can't really talk to Alex anyway.  He is honestly so self centered sometime and I hate it, and I know that this is the same complain I've had since the beginning, but I don't know how to fix the problem.  I feel like maybe I need to walk away, because even though I love him so much, it's not fair to him and its not fair to me that I am constantly mad and resent him because I am trying to force him to be something he isn't.  Maybe he can't change, and if that is true, then maybe he just isn't the guy for me.  I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like if I walked away from him tomorrow, he would get over it in a day and never look back... Its probably the way it is so easy for him to turn off his emotions.  Like today I told him that I feel like this relationship is a one way street and that until that changes I think I need a break.  At first he was completely okay with that, but then he called me twice, but I didn't answer because I was honestly upset.  When I finally did FaceTime him, I told him that I was done trying, and that now the ball was in his court, and if he cared then he would show me, and if not then things would stay the same.  But i don't think he understood what I was saying, because all he kept saying is, "So you want to end this?"   I didn't know what to say, because what I really wanted to say is 'OF COURSE I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO END THIS, ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO JUST LOVE ME AND SHOW ME I MEAN SOMETHING, AND I WANT YOU TO BE CORNEY AND DO CUTE THINGS LIKE OTHER COUPLES AND THINK OF ME AND SURPRISE ME AT MY FRONT DOOR AFTER WE FIGHT!!!! AND NOT GIVE UP SO EASILY, FIGHT FOR ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING, BRING ME A GOD DAMN PUMPKIN MUFFIN SOMETIME, IT COSTS $1 AT DUNKINS AND I SWEAR IT WOULD MAKE MY WORLD, PLAN SOMETHING FOR ME ONCE IN A WHILE, DON'T MAKE ME DO ALL THE WORK!'  But in real life it isn't that easy, and even if i did say that I know Alex and I know he already knows I feel that way, but he doesn't like to do anything that inconveniences him, so things will never change.  I either need to just except the fact that I will never be truly happy, or get the fucking strength to walk away and except the fact that I might end up worse off, and I know that is a shitty and unromantic way of putting it...but that's the truth, and well this is my blog so I am allowed to be and honest and blunt as I want to be!!!