Nov 28, 2012- This dude won't quit

     Today I decided to tell Alex how I really feel, so I sent him the angry letter I had written last night after our conversation.  I ended the letter by saying 'I really do love you, I just don't know how much longer I can do this.'  After reading the letter Alex tried to call me a few times, but I didn't answer because I was having dinner with my family...finally he texted me saying, 'You don't know how much longer you can do this? well good news for you...you no longer have to...Im done!'  I called him right after that and we yelled it out for a few minutes until we decided we love each other to much to walk away, and he admitted to not really meaning it, and that he just wanted me to call him.  After that I was supposed to be at jiu jitsu, but instead I decided to walk around, as I was leaving my house I saw that guy who used to follow me, but didn't really think anything of it.  I walked all the way to the mall, and as I was going to call my friend Vienna, Alex video chatted me, I answered but mid conversation I looked up and was horrified to see that the stalker was starring at me from behind a car.  Alex saw the expression on my face an immediately hung up the phone and ran all the way from his house to where I was.  By the time Alex got there I had gone to the other side of the mall and the stalker was gone...or so I thought. A few minutes later the stalker came around the corner, Alex saw him right away, but when he saw Alex he ran.   After that Alex walked me all the way home because he didn't want me walking home alone...ugh I swear I love that boy, and I'm pretty sure I always will...even if I end up hating him I think I'll still love him.

Nov 27, 2012- Holidays are guidelines for the thoughtless...

     The start of December got me thinking about christmas, and of course like every other thing, it got me thinking about Alex.  It make me wonder if Alex was going to do anything special for me on christmas...but then I thought even if he did, holidays aren't the only time you should do something special for someone you care about.  And thats when it came to me, it was plain and simple...holidays were guidelines for the thoughtless.  Thanksgiving shouldn't be the one day out of the year you give thanks, you should be thankful for everything you have 365 days a year.  You shouldn't need valentines day to remind you to show the person your with that you care about them, you should show them just because you love them and want to make them smile, just so your can see their smile.  New years isn't your only new start, every day when you wake up in the morning you have a fresh start to write wrongs, and have a new attitude about life. With this in mind I've decided to make everyday a "holiday" and each day I want to do one selfless thing, and hopefully make someone smile, because I think everyone has room to become a better person and I definitely would like to try.

Nov 26, 2012- 4 months, 6 days, 10 hours, and 39 minutes

     Waking up at 3 in the morning with a feeling of emptiness, I turned around to pull Alex close to me.  After a minute of feeling nothing I realized, again I was alone.  It would be 4 months, 6 days, 10 hours, and 39 minutes as of this moment until I would get to fall asleep with him holding me and rubbing my back, and wake up in his arms.  When I talked to him this morning the first thing he said was, "I woke up this morning, rolled over looking for you, to find no one there...then the whole morning I had flashbacks of our trip."  Gosh, I miss that boy so much when he is not around.  I never did share the poem I had written him on his birthday, so I'm going to write it down now before I lose the rough draft I have...Just incase you didn't catch on, it rhymes haha(;



Alex,
I couldn't imagine being without you
I love you and everything about you
like the cute Nike Flights you wear
I especially love when you gel your hair
spending the summer with you made it the best one yet
so many memories I will never forget
like you randomly putting your arm around me
then telling Eli it was 9:30
and harvard square and the flying seagull
New York and things that weren't so legal
meeting my mom, and trying not to stress
as you stared at her trippy dress
falling asleep at the house of tree
even though I spend the night having to pee
waking up to the coke truck
after having to listen to our friends fuck
making me eggs and bacon that I swore we uncooked
but they were good, despite how they looked
coming to Maine with me even though you felt faded
getting married on the beach, pretending to be related
falling asleep in your arms almost every night
and how could I forget our epic slap fight
posiden constantly causing a flood
getting a butt shot
30 days of blood
I had the most amazing summer falling in love with you
and even though it's over I know that we'll pull through
I love you through the good times and bad
cause baby your the best I ever had<3

By the one and only, Arianna Fred Johnson(:

Nov 25, 2012- Love conquers all

     So last night Alex ended up coming back into the hotel room at around 12am.  When he got there he  stripped down to his boxers and laid down and didn't say a word to me, we both laid there staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours until finally I turned to face him and just rubbed his arm.  A second later him grabbed me, and pulled me into him and just hugged me as tightly as he possibly could.  "I love you so much."  He whispered holding me tightly in his arms.  At that moment all my anger disappeared and forced me to think about my real problem, that fact that Alex is now moving to Brookline, that his father might actually get what he wants, and I might losing the one person I couldn't ever imagine being without.  Because the more I thought about it, I complained a lot about Alex, and half the time I couldn't stand the thinks he did, but the bottom line was no one was forcing me to be in the relationship.  If I wanted to I could break up with Alex, and end it all, but the truth of the matter was I couldn't.  I loved Ale with all my heart, we had been through so much already and made it through all the probation, the cheating incident and the disstance that I couldn't throw all that away because of a stupid fight.  There was thinks about everyone I didn't like, but Alex was the one person who was always there to hold my hand.  When he cried he was always there to offer advice, or just be a shoulder to cry on when I didn't want the advice.  It our relationship wasn't all serious, he was the one person I could laugh with about anything.  We were always doing something crazy, like having sex in places like his school, and yesterday we decided to have sex in the back of my mothers car in the parking lot of santa's village!  We were so nervous that we were going to get caught and arrested for publie indecencies  but we didn't.  After we were finished I was sitting in the car not moving with a jacket on my lap, and Alex was like, "Ari put your pants on!" and I was like, "I can't, there is a family of 5 standing right there!"  So all and all, between the fighting and the inconveniences I love Alex so much it is crazy and I don't want to fight with him.  By the way me and Alex have officially been together for 4 months.

Nov 24, 2012- Just don't like vacations...

     At this point I can't wait to go home from New Hampshire.  I have been here since friday, with Alex and my mom and sister.  There is also my mom's friend Debbie and her son Barry, and his other two siblings.  Today we were all forced to go to santa's village where I swear I thought I was going to freeze to death.  I was so cold and I was mad at my mom for making me go, so I asked her if I could wait in the car, and she said no.  I told her its not fair because I didn't even want to go in the first place. After saying that, my mom's friend Debbie was like, "Ari that is enough." So I responded with, "I'm sorry but you're not my mother, therefore you can't tell me what to do or say." after that she told me to apologize and I said, "Once again you're not my mother.  My mother is standing two feet away, and if she would like me to apologize she'll tell me, but so far she hasn't said anything."  I'm pretty sure it was because my mom was in shock from what I had just said, but I am the type of person who does not back down to anyone.  Also before I went on this stupid vacation I made the mistake of giving Alex all my extremely hard earned money.  My mom said he needed $100, but I know he doesn't have that much money, so I gave him my money that I have been saving.  As I right this he is in the game arcade blowing my money.  Gosh, I just feel so stupid, because I feel like I never do anything for myself because I am always trying to please Alex, and it bothers me, because he acts all high and mighty, and doesn't let me touch any money, because he thinks it's his now.  I just for once he could reciprocate, but Alex isn't the type.  I am not talking to him, because after two days without smoking, I took my eyes off him for two seconds and he goes out and smokes.  To be honest I'm not even angry about that, I'm angry because I basically paid $100, to have a sucky vacation, and have Alex spend the whole vacation with my cousin.  Ugh...I swear I learn over and over again that one, no good deed ever goes unpunished.  Also, when money is borrowed or shared in a relationship, wether it be a friendship, or a romantic relationship, things always get complicated.   I just don't know what to do, because what am I supposed to say, 'hey babe, can you get a job so I don't have to support your broke ass?'...or maybe..."Alex I love you but I need you to go find some money because I want the money I have you back.'...There really is nothing I can say without sounding like an insensitive bitch, but I just don't think it is fair that I pay for Alex to have a great vacation with my family while I am stuck sitting in a hotel room alone with my mother.  I just i just don't like vacations, because every time I go on one, I end up miserable, and Alex keeps asking me to talk to him, but there is nothing I can say....ANY ADVICE? PLEASE WORLD, HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH THIS SITUATION!  "I love you so much more when you're not here, watching all the bad shows drinking all of my beer." -Pink<3

Nov 21, 2012- Rally it up

Me and the hot guy from Brookline.

     I find it ironic how they keep telling you not to dwell on the past, instead focas on the future, because it seems we compare everything in our future to something in our past, wether it be consciously or subconsciously.  Lately the present is making me miss the past.  At the risk of sounding superficial, christmas is coming, and I'm spending all my money to buy Alex the guy version of the sneakers I've always wanted, but never bought because they were too expensive, but I know he isn't going to do anything for me on christmas.  I miss the days where guys would get me pretty jewelry and diamond earrings and make me feel special for christmas.  I don't know why I can just accept things the way they are, but I can't help missing my past.  I miss going on random dates, picking up random guys, sneaking around, and oddly enough I miss Blue.  Its weird thinking back, but as much as I used to hate guys falling over me, putting me on a pedestal, and treating me like a princess, now that all of that is gone I miss guys like that.  On another note, I did what I said I was going to do, and painted my entire face, neck and some of my chest blue, and when to Brookline High's pep rally, and pretended I go there.  The pep rally itself wasn't so fun, but I had fun seeing all the people I know from brookline, and pretending I go there with the people from brookline that I don't know.  All day everyone kept telling me I looked like a smurf...Then after me and Alex fucked in the girls bathroom at his school, we were so nervous we were gonna get caught, but thankfully we didn't.  I also took a picture with this guy Lijamil who I think is very attractive from brookline, which I posted haha.

Nov 20, 2012- "She doesn't even go here!"

     So today I got a brilliant idea.  Tomorrow Alex's school is having a pep rally, and I've decided I am going to wear the school colors and go to the pep rally, and pretend I go to the school, and hope that no one says anything to me.  I am very excited about my plan, because it makes me feel all badass, and I'm secretly hoping someone goes all means girls on me, by saying, "She doesn't even go here!" haha at first Alex wasn't going to go, but me bing me guilted him into going, because in all honestly it's not right that I'm always trying to please him, and the one time I want him to do one thing to make me happy he says no.  I am thinking I am going to paint my entire face blue so no one realizes that "she doesn't even go here!" hahaha...alright well that is all for tonight, I did have more to say, but my laptop is on 4% battery...Goodnight beautiful people (:

Nov 19, 2012- Wana hear a funny?

     Today wasn't too eventful..in fact for once I don't really have too much to say... the only reason I even wrote this post was to share a funny quote I heard today: "Girls are like stones, we skip the flat ones."  I personally found that hilarious...Alright... well thats all.

Nov 18, 2012- Yes I'm still alive

     I know I haven't blogged in a long time, but to be honest I just haven't felt like blogging lately.  Thursday I went to Alex's house and he had dinner ready for me, he told me his dad has told him why he doesn't like me.  He said that his dad said that I was low class because of the house I lived in.  I was completely floored, because my mom owns a house with three floors, and Alex's dad rents a one bedroom apartment and he freaking thinks that I am low class! That night me and Alex also ended up fighting because Alex tried to have sex with me and I said, "I've got an idea, since you don't love me, but just love having sex with me, you should find someone else who is just as good in bed and higher class then me, so you and your dad will be happy."...After that Alex completely lost it on my, and put me on the couch and started screaming in my face, "If you fucking think I walk 3.6 miles, cook you dinner, think about you all day, text you every morning just to tell you I love you, just to get in your pants, then get the fuck out of my house, because that is just disrespectful to me!"  At that point I felt so bad I thought I was going to cry, but I held it together.  We ended up making up but I still felt bad about saying that.  Then friday night was the first night my mom has gone out in a long time, so me and my friend Maddy decided to get drunk and have Alex over.  We got drunk but I dont know what was wrong with Maddy she was acting like she had lost it...I never want to be drunk with her again.  The worst part was I felt like I was babysitting because she kept trying to drink more, and yelling at me, and she was throwing up the entire night, and made me stay awake with her.  After that I realized I can only tolerate Maddy in small doses.  I also ended up crying that night, because Alex basically admitted that he'll never love me as much as he loved his ex.  Saturday nothing interesting happened except the fact that I worked. And today I spend the day with Alex.  My ex Jon texted my today asking me for a sexy picture, so I said sure and asked him what he wanted.  He responded back saying he wanted me with no pants on.  So i asked Alex if I could take a picture of his penis and told him why.  I made Alex put on one of my skirts and had that hanging out.  We send it to Jon and Jon practically shit a brick...Then 10 minutes later he texted me back saying "Wait that cant be you, because you're not white!"  I couldn't believe that that was the only reason Jon thought it wasn't me, like honestly, how stupid can one person be....

Nov 12, 2012- The best thing thats ever been mine

     If I thought things had hit the boiling point before, I was dead wrong.  Today I came home from my sleepover with Vienna, with Alex.  When I got home my mom wanted me to go to Chuck E Cheese with her and my sister.  But I didn't want to go, because as I already told her, I had plans to spend the day with Alex.  After that she started flipping shit on me, calling me a horrible person.  The whole time Alex had his arm around me and kept whispering in my ear, "Ari stop.  Relax.  Ari just let her win."  But I couldn't, I was sick of her crap, I had finally completely lost it.  At that point Alex when into the other room to calm down my sister.  My mother got up and pushed me, and that is when I snapped, screaming, "Touch me again, I swear to god I'll fucking kill you!"  All of a sudden Alex ran into the room, and grabbed me, and held me in his arms so I couldn't move, me and my mother continued to scream at each other, as I continued to try and break free of Alex's grip.  Finally I managed to break out of it, and the second I did, I ran out of my house and sat on my porch.  It was at that moment I decided I needed to break up with Alex because I loved him too much for him to have to be stuck with someone who is such a mess.  He had way too many of his own issues, and I didn't want him to take on my as well.  Eventually Alex came and sat on the porch with me, and for the first few second I jut let him hold me in his arms and take away all my pain.  But then I quickly because emotionless, acting as if none of that had ever happend, but stating the fact that we did for a fact need to break up.  But to my surprise he just held me tighter and said, "I love you, and I will never leave you, not even if you try and push me away."  That almost make me cry, but I held it together, not letting him see a single tear.  After that I had a really nice day with Alex.  Gosh, I love that boy so much its crazy, he is honestly the best thing thats ever been mine. <3

Nov 9, 2012- I am becoming the person I can't stand

     Today was was my breaking point, Alex went home from his school because his thumb apparently hurt.  When I had my free period Alex FaceTimed me, and I asked him what he was doing today, and his response was, "Well Vienna has some stupid plan for me to surprise you at the mall if I stayed in school, but I'm fucking tired and I honestly don't want to be stuck in a car with Vienna."  After this I got really angry, because I know that his stupid broken thumb is going to be yet another excuse to add to the list of reasons why he can't ever make time for me.  So I flipped out and was like if you care about me you'll come see me, you know what time I get out of school and if you care you'll be there.  After that I got off FaceTime and cried my eyes out.  He kept texting me saying he wants to see me tomorrow though.  So I finally agreed.  After school I told my mom I was going to hang out with this girl Lisa who I don't really like, because my mom tried to force me to be friends with all these people I have absolutely nothing in common with and honestly just don't enjoy spending time with.  To be honest I usually prefer to be alone, like don't get me wrong I like people and I like hanging out with friends, but for short amounts of time, then I want to be alone.  So instead I went to the mall with Vienna, someone I actually do like hanging out with.  And stupid Omar blew her off, I guess neither of us can win haha.  After that we ate food at Chipotle, and honestly after eating that burrito I thought my stomach was going to explode mexican food everywhere.  I felt so sick, let me tell ya, that burrito did NOT agree with me!   But either way we still hung out, and then we went to the soccer field because Omar wanted to see her and Juan wanted to see me.  Omar ended up pulling another no show but Juan still came.  I know Juan likes me, and he is really cute and nice, and treats me so well, so I tried to give him a chance, but for some reason everything we talked about kept coming back to Alex, it was like as hard as I tried I could stop talking about Alex, or thinking about him.  After Vienna went to look at phone cases and Juan tried to kiss me, and that was when I realized that I couldn't, and that there really is no one I want to be with besides Alex.  When I'm with another guy all I want to do is go home and call Alex.  So when I got home the first thing I did was FaceTime Alex and tell him I love him.  We didn't get to talk for long, because my bitch of a mother kept interrupting.  After I got off FaceTime with him and FINALLY got rid of my mother I had time to think while taking a shower (where I do all of my deep thinking).  I realized that I'm turning into the person I despise the most...my mother.  I am doing to Alex what she does to me, but constantly bitching at him, I'm going to end up driving him insane and making him hate me... and that is NOT what I want to do or who I want to be.

Nov 8 2012- Let the games begin

     This morning I woke up with a new mind set.  I remembered my old rules and remembered that love is a phycological game, and in order to win, you have to have to know how to control the situation.  Just like in most situations patience is key...Learning how to wait someone out can be the best and most effective weapon in you arsenal.  I used to be a master at the game of love, I could win 9 out of 10 times, but this morning proved that I am clearly very out of practice.  Since last night I have been very brief with Alex, I have decided that even though he is already mine, in order to keep him, I first need to make sure he doesn't get too comfortable.  No one should ever feel like they're your whole world, even if you really care about someone, make sure they know that you love them, but let them feel a little replaceable.  That way they don't think they can take advantage of you, because you'll never leave them.  I already made this mistake with Alex, and that is one of the many reasons he feels like he doesn't have to try.  I have the setting on my iphone that shows a person when I've read there message, I have this setting on purposefully, because I want Alex to know that I am reading his messages, and that I just don't feel like answering.  Since last night I have taken a step back, and am doing my own thing, and I was surprised to see how quickly he reacted.  Last night he actually remembered to send me a text saying goodnight, and this morning he texted me as soon as he woke up, but I took my time with the responses, and last night I didn't even respond.  But I took things too far, when doing this you are supposed to seem like you're busy and that you aren't really thinking about the other person, but I made the mistake of sending hurtful text messages.  That failed because all that did was make him angry, which wasn't what I was trying to do.  After I figured out, I would still be nice, I just would be the one to call him or try to make any plans with him, and I would reply to all his text messages, but I would open all of them so he knew I had read them.  Later I talked to Vienna and came up with a plan, I called Omar, this guy I'm trying to set her up with and made plans for him to surprise her at the mall tomorrow, even though she already knows, and she called Alex and made the same plan.  This way I am not the one asking Alex to hang out and she isn't the one asking Omar, but we both still get to see the guys we like without even seeming like that was something that crossed our mind.

Nov 7, 2012- Too many thoughts...

     It has gotten to a point where I can't take this anymore.  I honestly just need a break, a moment to think, a moment to breath.  I hate being home so much, my family is so awful to me, and I try so hard not to let it bother me, but i can't.  It hurts so bad to know my own mother hates me, and my sister is like a carbon copy of her, and she treats me equally as bad.  They gang up on me and constantly say horrible things to me and I wish so badly I had someone that I was close to, to talk to.  But I don't like dumping my problems on other people, and as you probably already know if you read my last post that Alex has enough on his plate, and does not need to worry about me.  Plus I can't really talk to Alex anyway.  He is honestly so self centered sometime and I hate it, and I know that this is the same complain I've had since the beginning, but I don't know how to fix the problem.  I feel like maybe I need to walk away, because even though I love him so much, it's not fair to him and its not fair to me that I am constantly mad and resent him because I am trying to force him to be something he isn't.  Maybe he can't change, and if that is true, then maybe he just isn't the guy for me.  I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like if I walked away from him tomorrow, he would get over it in a day and never look back... Its probably the way it is so easy for him to turn off his emotions.  Like today I told him that I feel like this relationship is a one way street and that until that changes I think I need a break.  At first he was completely okay with that, but then he called me twice, but I didn't answer because I was honestly upset.  When I finally did FaceTime him, I told him that I was done trying, and that now the ball was in his court, and if he cared then he would show me, and if not then things would stay the same.  But i don't think he understood what I was saying, because all he kept saying is, "So you want to end this?"   I didn't know what to say, because what I really wanted to say is 'OF COURSE I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO END THIS, ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO JUST LOVE ME AND SHOW ME I MEAN SOMETHING, AND I WANT YOU TO BE CORNEY AND DO CUTE THINGS LIKE OTHER COUPLES AND THINK OF ME AND SURPRISE ME AT MY FRONT DOOR AFTER WE FIGHT!!!! AND NOT GIVE UP SO EASILY, FIGHT FOR ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING, BRING ME A GOD DAMN PUMPKIN MUFFIN SOMETIME, IT COSTS $1 AT DUNKINS AND I SWEAR IT WOULD MAKE MY WORLD, PLAN SOMETHING FOR ME ONCE IN A WHILE, DON'T MAKE ME DO ALL THE WORK!'  But in real life it isn't that easy, and even if i did say that I know Alex and I know he already knows I feel that way, but he doesn't like to do anything that inconveniences him, so things will never change.  I either need to just except the fact that I will never be truly happy, or get the fucking strength to walk away and except the fact that I might end up worse off, and I know that is a shitty and unromantic way of putting it...but that's the truth, and well this is my blog so I am allowed to be and honest and blunt as I want to be!!!

Nov 6, 2012- Alex's fucked up family

      lately Alex's dad has gotten out of control.  Last night Alex FaceTimed me and the second I opened up the screen I knew something was really wrong.  His face tried to remain emotionless, but I could tell by his eyes that his heart was breaking.  I could tell he was trying so hard to fake a smile, but he couldn't hold in his tears.  He kept trying to casually point the camera in a different direction while he tried to pull himself together, because he didn't want me to see him like that.  As it turns out his dad has legitimately beaten the shit out of Alex when he came home to find Alex smoking weed, so much so that his dad had broken his thumb and bruised one of his ribs.  After that he just took off and left Alex alone for the rest of the night.  It make me feel good to know Alex trusted in me enough to confide in me, but I also felt bad because I wanted so badly to be there for him, I just didn't know how.  I mean I love him so much and I want to help him, but I don't know what to do since he wont talk to anyone, and I am worried his dad will do something like this again.  Alex didn't even go to the hospital for his broken thumb until tonight at 6, and his dad wasn't even the one who brought him, it was the dad's girlfriend.  I swear to god if I ever see that man again he will be sorry, I am the kind of bitch you don't want to mess with, I may only be 5'2 and only weigh 94 pounds, but I am a tough little shit, and I am a fucking bitch.  I am the kind out person who will either physically rip someone to shreds, or I will emotionally do it.  And trust me, over the years I have gotten quite good at both.  Ugh I just wish I knew how to be there for Alex...any advice world?

Nov 5, 2012- Ditch day

     Sometimes I get so angry with Alex, I forget to see all the good things he is/ does.  I am so frustrated by the half of Alex that I hate, I forget to acknowledge the half of him that I love.  When I feel like this I ignore the fact that he walks 3.6 miles to see me, the way he always makes sure I'm warm and bundles me up and holds me close when I'm not.  I forget about when we were in Maine and Alex scooped me up out of the freezing water and towel dried me off because he didn't want me to get pneumonia, and how he played with my hair even thought I was asleep the entire car ride back.  But the truth is even though sometimes I hate him so much, and wish so badly I could just walk away, I don't think I ever could.   Because even though I get so upset sometimes, when I am actually with him, in his arms, I swear there is no place in the entire world I would rather be than with him.
Well besides all that, today I truly didn't feel like being in school, so I went to the nurse at around 10 am and told her I didn't feel well.  When she asked to talk to my mom I called Vienna and she pretended to be my mom and gave permission for me to be dismissed.  After leaving school I went home changed, and spend the day at vienna's house.  After that I saw Alex and I realized I don't want to leave him.

Nov 4, 2012- Dear Alex...

Dear Alex, 

     I honestly have never loved anyone as much as I love you.  It is the weirdest concept in the world to think that you could possibly love someone else more then you love yourself, but I swear I would give up everything for you.  But lately I feel as if this is turning into a one way street.  I am constantly doing anything in my power to try to spend the little time I have with you, but you make absolutely no effort.  This relationship is legitimately tearing me apart from the inside, and today was my breaking point.  Today was the day where I realized how little you truly care about me, and it hurts so badly to think the one person I would give my life for treats me so badly.   This morning when we were on FaceTime and I asked you if you were in Brookline or Brighton, you lied directly to my face so you didn't have to spend time with me, and after I called you on it you told me you were going to sleep for two hours then would come see me.  I waited the entire day for a call that never happened.  Around 6pm me and Vienna started to worry, because we thought something bad happened to you, so I called you and you ignored my phone call.  Still worried I sent you a text, and when you finally responded, you responded with "hey babe I'll call you later I'm with family."  The fact that everything was fine made me feel even worse, because that just proved to me that there was no good reason, you just really didn't want to spend time with me today, even though you haven't seen me in a week.  I guess...It just doesn't make sense to me, because when I'm away from you I miss you, and I would do anything to see you, because I love you and I want to spend time with you.  But lately it seems like you would rather be doing anything else besides spending time with me, and the worst part wasn't even that you blew me off today, it was that fact that you never even called me.  I wish so badly I knew how to make myself stop loving you, because if I could walk away, I would in a heart beat, and if I could erase one moment in my life, I swear it would be the day we met.  I don't know how I can possibly love someone who treats me so badly, someone who makes me pay for everything, someone who would rather be smoking pot then see me, someone who gives the shirt I went all the way to wonderland to get for them to their friend, someone who constantly stands me up and never even calls, someone who makes all these promises they never intend on keeping, someone who could careless about how I feel as long as they are happy, someone who has never done a single special thing for me because I am not important enough.  And I see all these guys, who do some much for their girl friends, and I've had all these guys that have done so much for me, and looking back just makes me sad, because I want that so badly.  On the rare occasion you actually do something nice for me I feel guilty, because I feel like I am forcing you to do it.  I just wish I had someone who cared about me, and actually showed me, and the more and more I see all the things everyone else's boyfriend do for them, it just makes me feel worse and worse, because it makes me feel like I am not worth any of that.  If I was worth it you would actually try with me, not just come see me to have sex and then bail... You would try to make me feel special, you would show me how much I mean to you, but all you have shown me is that to you I am worthless...