Oct 27, 2013- A flash of magic

     At that moment I suddenly understood exactly how my mom felt every time Dennis visited and the left to go back to Florida.  That moment when you finally get the person you love back and then you have to say goodbye to them all over again.  The weird part was I wasn't sad and I didn't cry, it just left me with a lingering feeling of emptiness and left me wondering if it was all just a fabrication of the mind.  Last night I finally got my boyfriend back, and for the first time in forever he was allowed to come over and sleepover.  He stayed the whole day and we made hamburgers for dinner together. In what felt like a blink of an eye it was all over so fast.  I really hope we can have another day like that soon because it was really nice getting to spend time with Alex.

October 15, 2013- looking up from rock bottom

"Stupid!" "Failure!" "Disappointment!" I swear I can see the words in my sleep. I can eat, I'm trying to be strong and hold it together at least on the outside but my insides are crumbling.  I hate myself so much and wish so badly I could be anyone but me.  I am so miserable.  Knowing I will never be good enough makes me hate myself so much, and my mothers non stop abusive words are literally tarring my apart from the inside out.  I don't even fight back anymore I just let her keep insulting me until she's feels like she has hurt me enough, because honestly I don't have it in me anymore. I feel so broken and wish nothing more then to just not exist, i truly don't know how I can possibly go on like this. 

October 14, 2013- Stay or walk away?

     Today I was at Ana's house studying for the SAT's when I started to realized how in over my head I feel.  I am so stressed out with everything I have to do and everyone is coming at my from every different angle telling me how I should run my life, and I just don't know what the right decision is anymore.  My mother is constantly screaming at me and telling me I am throwing away my life and now my friends are starting to say the same.  It's like everyone has such high expectations for me and I just can't meet them... this is partly the reason I told Alex I need a break from him today, because first of all I am so stressed out I just need to be with my own thoughts, and second of all everyone says he is dragging me down and I just don't know how to please everyone, and just be left alone.  I am also tremendously afraid for what my future holds, and I am worried I will not live up to everyones standards, and be a let down to my family, friends, alex, and worst of all myself.  I am trying so hard but it seems like nothing I do is good enough and I just can't seem to figure out the answer to solve all my problems... But my life is complicated right now and having Alex in it is only going to make it more complicated for both me and him, because I will barely have time to see him.  Also I really love Alex  so much, but I am doing the same thing to him that my mom does to me and now I kind of understand where she is coming from. Loving someone so much that you just want to see them succeed.  I have to say not calling Alex has been extremely hard, because he is the only person I can turn to to make my feel better when everything is wrong.  But I guess sometimes you have to let go of things even if it hurts.  I was thinking about this question all day, is it better to be successful and alone, or nothing with the one you love.  I think the answer is nothing with the one you love, because I think even if me and Alex end up living in a one bedroom apartment someday in some shitty neighborhood I will still be happy just because I am with him, and he makes me the happiest person alive.  But everyone says this is wrong and it is just my childish mind. That I need to cut him loose and focus on the important things in life.  Since following my own advice has never really got me very far I think for once I am going to listen to someone else.

Oct 7, 2013- I have friends haha

     Yesterday was a rainy day, I ended up going to the mall with Fiona and Catherine.  We actually had a really great time.  We had planned on going there any trying to pick up guys, so we decided we would get Fiona's hair flat ironed.  Fiona is 4'11 and she is not attractive at all.  She's not my favorite person in this world, and to be honest I only hang out with her because her and Catherine are like a package deal, and in order to hang out with Catherine, Fiona has to come too.  So we went to the place where those people try to sell you flat irons and I asked the lady to test it out on Fiona's hair.  The lady turned out to be super crazy, and wouldn't let us leave until we bought something, she was like grabbing onto my wrist and being super scary. I ended up saying I had to go to the bathroom and not coming back, and for the rest of our mall trip I refused to go to that side of the mall.  Later we were walking by one of those carts where the modeling people try to get you to join their company, and the modeling people had left and two dudes were there who obviously just took this as an opportunity to pick up girls.  They called me over and said "Would you like to be a model?"  He pulled out his phone and continued "just put your number right here and we will call you!"  It was super funny and if I was single I would have totally gone for it.  Humor is always a good way to win a girl over, and lots of people say pick up lines are creepy but I think they're funny.  Also I got this babysitting job... Well I didn't get it yet, but I have an interview with the family tomorrow night, but I really hope it works out because it pays a lot and right now I am kind of broke.  Like Literally I have no money, which sucks because I am used to paying for myself and my boyfriend and everyone else.... And I'm not complaining about that because I like taking care of everyone, I just wish sometimes someone would take care of me... But thats whatever....

Still Oct 2, 2013- defeated

I don't know how to describe it but you know those moments where you just feel so defeated it's ineffable.  Well now is one of those moments. I used to get jealous that my family loved my boyfriend so much, but now that my mother hates him I would do anything to have those moments back.  I miss the moments when we all felt like one big family. There is no greater feeling then everyone just getting along and being happy. Thinking back to all the times I was angry with Alex for not standing up to my mother, I now see why he chose the play his cards the way he did.  There is nothing that can fix this because Alex doesn't want to just swallow his pride and apologize for what went on and my mother won't forgive without an apology.  This makes me feel very alone because I feel like I'm losing Alex. I miss him so much and don't want to have to sneak around with him.  I just want everyone to be happy again.  I tried to ask him to please just apologize even if he doesn't mean it but he won't.  I just don't know what to do. I miss him so much but it doesn't look like I will be seeing him anytime soon.  I don't really want to talk to him if I can't have him because that just makes it worse.  I think I will just take some space, because the more I talk to him the more I wish I could just be with him, even if only for a few minutes.  I run out of class like an idiot every time he calls, and pretend I have lunch so he won't hang up and tell me to go back to class... Right now I'm sitting on the swings at the park, but I am eventually going to have to go home and just go to sleep and try to forget.

Oct 2, 2013- Practice what you preach

     Well I am home from school now even though my school doesn't get out until 2:30, I left at 1:30 and didn't realize that I don't have a freaking key to my own house, so I am stuck sitting in my grandma's house even though she isn't home because she left her door open today.  In math class I was taking a test and my friend needed help so she kept passing me back a paper asking for answers.  The teacher ended up seeing it and took it away.  I was freaking out the rest of the class thinking I was going to fail his class and get suspended.  Luckily he let me off with a warning and didn't take away any points of anything.  I am supposed to have a meeting with my mother, the house master of my school (ms. Boudreaux) and the police officer who works at my school because of some crap that happened last year that is still dragging on, but I don't know how that is going to happen considering I left school already.  As for the whole Alex situation I have decided I was completely over reacting yesterday, because if flirting is that big of a deal then I clearly am not practicing what I am preaching.  I can't say anything about Alex because I have my own little flirtationships. And the truth is I don't really care so much that Alex flirts with that girl, the thing that bothers me is that she probably thinks shes so special and thinks I'm one big idiot. Like I can see it now, her just sitting there laughing together, him telling her how adorable she is and her thinking that he doesn't care about me at all, and that I'm just some pathetic chick who is just completely in the dark about the fact that my bf likes her.  But in the end of the day I guess its whatever, as long as he doesn't do anything with her then I guess its not a big deal.  Also today I have to pay $100 to bring my freaking kitten to the doctors for a check up.

Oct 1, 2013- You get what you will put up with

     Last night one of the guys who go to school with Alex, (Ervin) was telling me about how Alex is constantly flirting with some girl named Marisol.  At this point I don't even care anymore, I was stupid for expecting Alex to not want other girls after everything that happened last year.  I confronted him and he tried to lie about if until I backed him into a corner.  Honestly I already know that Alex is going to end up cheating on me with her, because this is what always happens.  But its whatever, if he feels the need to do that to me then fine, all I hope is that he at least has a little trouble sleeping at night.  Besides the Alex shit, there is this guy Ben who I hooked up with two weeks ago...yes I know I was dating Alex at this time. But regardless, Ben was really nice. Alex was being a jerk and Ben was there to hold me and make me feel better, and his parents were actually nice and I was actually allowed to go over his house.  I ended up really liking Ben, but after the last time we hung out which was two weeks ago he just stopped returning my texts.  I thought he didn't want to see me anymore but I just found out that he is in wilderness (a rehab program for people who use drugs).  There he can have any contact with the outside world, so unfortunately I wont be hearing from him for several months.  Maybe that is why I don't care about the Marisol thing?  Because if Alex wants to treat me like crap and make some other girl feel special I have someone who will treat me well.  The funny thing is two years ago when I was hooking up with that guy Agustin, and we would sit there and laugh about how clueless his girlfriend Sid was, I just though I was winning some game.  I never thought of how Sid would feel because up until I started dating Alex I never had to be the "Sid" in a relationship.  At this point though I am pretty sure I am Sid,  and that is why it is so hard to trust Alex.  All last year everyone told me he was cheating on me and I kept telling everyone "No not my boyfriend" and every time I would ask him he would say "No baby I love you and would never do that!" and I would believe him.  At the end though it turned out everything everyone said was true and even when I had concrete proof he still couldn't even have the decency to just be honest and own up to his mistakes.  He says this year things are different, but I have no way of knowing because he said the same thing last year.  In a way things are different this year, I am at a point where I honestly don't care that much, if we break up tomorrow I will cut my losses and walk away.  That is why I made a promise to myself that if I find out from one person this year that he is cheating on me, regardless of whether he actually is or not, at that moment I am dumping his white ass and never EVER looking back again.