Oct 14, 2014

     I once wrote before that everything in life has an expiration date, but I don't think I ever truly believed those words were true when it came to Alex and I.  I've also said that if someone lets me take advantage of them I will.  I see people like my Auntie Danielle and feel bad for her because though she has everything in the world she will never be happy because she is always looking for something better.  Though I look down on people like her for the last few months that has been me.  I have treated Alex like shit because part of me thought that he would always be around to take my shit.  Today I told him I needed to see him to get my ipod back but the truth is I could care less about the ipod, I just wanted to see him.  For the past week since we broke up I've been surprisingly alright. I haven't really had time to let myself fell the loss, but today when I saw him I couldn't help it.  Even emotion that I has pushed off came flooding to the surface, and once I started crying I couldn't stop.  He hugged me which made me feel so much worse because I knew I did not deserve that hug.  Even though I knew I didn't deserve it, I never wanted it to end.  I know everyone thinks I just need time to move on, but I honestly don't want to move on.  With Alex I feel something I've never felt before.  It's a feeling I can't even begin to describe, but I'm going to try.  When he hugs me it feels like home, like at that moment everything is so clear to me. In my mind I just wanted to beg him to be with me and tell him I would never do the things I did again. But it was one of those moments where I knew that ship had sailed a while ago, and all the "I'm sorrys" in the world could fix this mess.  He finally gave me the ipod and brought me to the train stop, but I couldn't get on the train.  I don't know why but to me getting on the train mean it was really over and honestly my heart couldn't handle it.  I have been crying for a really long time...but it also made me realize something I should have realized a long time ago. Love isn't gifts and expensive dinners, love is about finding someone who when you look at you feel at home.  Alex and I had a lot of really great moments, but I know exactly which one was my favorite. It was when Alex and I were in New Hampshire and for some reason we were fighting.  He finally came back to the room and stripped down to his boxers and got in bed with me.  We laid there in silence for what seemed like forever.  Finally I rolled over and just gently rubbed his arm.  No words were spoken at all but it was like he knew exactly what I was trying to say because a second like he pulled me close to him and whispered "I love you so much."  Right now I feel so broken that It honestly feels like I can't breathe.  It's like a movie that keeps playing over and over in my head of all the memories I hold so close to me, and even though it is so painful I don't want it to stop because those memories are all I have left.

Dec 4, 2013- Couldn't wait any longer

     Today I cracked... I called Alex while I was supposed to be at jiu jistu on my grandma's phone, because honestly I missed him so much.  I saw he is now talking to this bitch Marii who he promised he wouldn't talk to because she said and did a lot of horrible shit to me... But I guess like all things he promises my, there really is no follow through.  Regardless it's whatever and I am just going to be fine with it because I don't want to fight with him.  Hopefully someday he starts putting me first before other girls, but for now its all whatever.  I talked to norman today and told him I love Alex and he was very upset with me because...well...his exact words were "Being broke, LIKING dudes an smoking too much isn't a real problem.  Cheating on you, putting others before you, and putting you down in anyway in unacceptable.  The fact that he expects you to still be there is disgusting, and the fact that you put up with any of it when plenty of other people (me) would want to treat you like a queen is just stupid."  It was kind of nice though that he is looking out for me, and nice to know that in the end of the day Norman really does care about me and will be there for me.

Dec 3, 2013- A blast from the past and a trip to the future

     Today was strange... I went to text Alex on my texting app this morning and then thought about it and realized I can't be the one distracting him from his school work, so I deleted what I had typed and put my phone away.

     Later, my friend Ana was talked to this guy Norman... Since you don't know who Norman is I will just give you a quick summary.  He was this dude I met through this guy Blue I was dating, and I ended up sleeping with Norman and he was my first.  Also, we would always do this thing where we would go back and forth saying "Omg just admit you like me, everyone knows you do!" and neither of us would ever admit it.  So today he texted me and mid conversation I used that line jokingly, but I guess you can't tell through text. Regardless his response was "Yeah I always have, and its never been a secret."  Then he started asking me to give him a chance, like WTF!?  

     After school I went to my second day of my new job, and surprising it wasn't as bad as the first day.  The place is super high tech, and I feel like I can't keep up, it's like i'm caught in the wrong century. Luckily today I finally somewhat knew what I was doing, and I worked with this guy Shant that used to go to my school but graduated and is now in college.  I thought he was going to be a complete asshole but he actually ended up being super nice, and at the end of the night he saved my butt.  I was supposed to mop the floors, and I have never mopped anything in my life, and lets just say it was not a pretty sight I looked like a drunk bitch trying to wrestle Shamoo.  Finally Shant came over and helped me out.  Seta my boss also said if I think of an idea for a seasonal latte then they will sell it!  

Dec 2, 2013- "I been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers"

Well today was the first day of basketball tryouts, and lets just say "I been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers." I am literally drenched in sweat (yes I'm aware hot attractive that sounds...haha not). I can't even move and to think I have jiu jitsu in an hour, oh god, I can't. Anyway I am also not allowed to talk to Alex until I start getting strait A's and as his dad says "Alex stoop doing marihuana (in very Russian accent)." Which sucks, but at least I can see him for the holidays. The reason I'm telling you this is because I think I am going to start blogging every night so if he wants to see what is going on in my life all he has to do is check out my blog.

Nov 25, 2013- Everything has an expiration date

     It’s times like this when you realize how cruel life actually can be.  Those moments when you don’t fight back, cry, or even flinch, because the affliction is so deep, the bodies only coping mechanism is to go numb.  There is only thing everything in this world has in common.  Everything living, every object, even intangible ideas all have a life span.  Everything living died at some point, all material things deteriorate over time, and feeling pass.  In this case it was none of the above, no one died, and the feeling didn’t pass.  But time had its way and now I’m forced to let go of the closest person to me.  As much as I want to fight back and try to keep things going I know in my heart that it isn’t the right thing to do and right now I just need to step back and work on things I can control, like school and getting my life together, and hopefully someday I will be able to have Alex back. 

November 15, 2013- I've officially driving away the only person who means anything to me away

     Today I finished my book I was making for Alex, I was so excited to leave school and show him, because I've been having a pretty horrible week, and I really miss him a lot.  But he asked if we could hangout tomorrow instead since he was feeling tired today.  I just got off the phone with him and he said he needs a break from me, normally if something like this happened I would try to talk to him until things got fixed, but at that moment my heart just shattered into a million pieces and as hard as I tried I couldn't make any words come out.  And the part that broke me the most was that I was in so much pain and he didn't even seem to care or notice.  He says he is going through stuff right now, but so am I, and I thought we went through things together, that no matter how bad things got it would be alright because we had each other.  The worst part is I know this is all my fault, because lately I've been freaking out about him spending all his time with this girl Mari.  Like I know he isn't doing anything with her, but I guess I'm just jealous, because lately I miss him so much, and I wish I was the one who he spent all his time with.  And I feel so stupid, because I just wait by the phone all day waiting for him to call, and he just talks to me for 5 mins and hangs up.  I don't know why I am writing this, because writing/thinking about this has gotten me to the point where I'm starting to hyperventilate.  This isn't the kind of fight you write some Facebook status about, because you want to make a show, or because you want attention, or even just because you want someone to talk to.  I know this is bad, because I honestly don't want to talk to anyone, it hurts so badly I just want to be alone and just try to calm myself down, and fall asleep so I can forget.

Nov 3, 2013- The Green Eyed Monster

     Today I introduced my best friend Catherine to this guy Van.  I've never really chilled with him before so I didn't really know what he was like, all I knew was Catherine was looking desperately for a guy and he is close enough to our age and single.  Van lives like a street over from me, so we met him at the Dunkin Donuts near my house and from there went to harvard square and just hung out.  There is something I have to share and I know it is so wrong and the only reason I'm sharing it on here is because I have to get it out. It's not like I can even tell my friends, because the only two people I'm close two are Catherine and Alex, and neither one of them can ever find out about this.  The truth is I think I literally almost fell in love with Van today, but the problem is Catherine did too.  I completely understand why though because first of all he is honestly one of the best looking guys I have ever met in my entire life, and he was wearing the cutest outfit today, it was this adorable gray jacket, a black hoodie, and jeans...I know nothing special but it looking so freaking adorable!  But anyways, aside from his amazingly good looks, the way he speaks sounds so intelligent, and he knows so much, but he's not just smart he is also funny and nice, and really down to earth.  To top that all off he is a total gentlemen, like he held doors open, offered to buy he stuff and ugh...was just so cute...like I don't understand how the hell he is freaking  single.  Too bad I already introduced him to Catherine, and he already seems to like her.  After we all hung out I texted him and asked him what he thought of her and he was like, "Haha she's super cool. It went a lot better than I expected it to, and it surprised me how cute she was (blind dates don't usually go that way), but what did she think of me?"  Like I am happy for my friend...well at least I want to be happy for her, but I can't help but be secretly jealous.  Also, like Alex hasn't seen me all weekend, and again today he had plans with me but he said he couldn't because of a family thing, and just like before it was really so he could see Eli.  But like the weird part is I totally don't give a fuck, like all I can think about is Van and how to step the fuck back and be happy for my friend.  Gosh that's going to be hard to do, but I got this.