Nov 25, 2013- Everything has an expiration date

     It’s times like this when you realize how cruel life actually can be.  Those moments when you don’t fight back, cry, or even flinch, because the affliction is so deep, the bodies only coping mechanism is to go numb.  There is only thing everything in this world has in common.  Everything living, every object, even intangible ideas all have a life span.  Everything living died at some point, all material things deteriorate over time, and feeling pass.  In this case it was none of the above, no one died, and the feeling didn’t pass.  But time had its way and now I’m forced to let go of the closest person to me.  As much as I want to fight back and try to keep things going I know in my heart that it isn’t the right thing to do and right now I just need to step back and work on things I can control, like school and getting my life together, and hopefully someday I will be able to have Alex back. 

November 15, 2013- I've officially driving away the only person who means anything to me away

     Today I finished my book I was making for Alex, I was so excited to leave school and show him, because I've been having a pretty horrible week, and I really miss him a lot.  But he asked if we could hangout tomorrow instead since he was feeling tired today.  I just got off the phone with him and he said he needs a break from me, normally if something like this happened I would try to talk to him until things got fixed, but at that moment my heart just shattered into a million pieces and as hard as I tried I couldn't make any words come out.  And the part that broke me the most was that I was in so much pain and he didn't even seem to care or notice.  He says he is going through stuff right now, but so am I, and I thought we went through things together, that no matter how bad things got it would be alright because we had each other.  The worst part is I know this is all my fault, because lately I've been freaking out about him spending all his time with this girl Mari.  Like I know he isn't doing anything with her, but I guess I'm just jealous, because lately I miss him so much, and I wish I was the one who he spent all his time with.  And I feel so stupid, because I just wait by the phone all day waiting for him to call, and he just talks to me for 5 mins and hangs up.  I don't know why I am writing this, because writing/thinking about this has gotten me to the point where I'm starting to hyperventilate.  This isn't the kind of fight you write some Facebook status about, because you want to make a show, or because you want attention, or even just because you want someone to talk to.  I know this is bad, because I honestly don't want to talk to anyone, it hurts so badly I just want to be alone and just try to calm myself down, and fall asleep so I can forget.

Nov 3, 2013- The Green Eyed Monster

     Today I introduced my best friend Catherine to this guy Van.  I've never really chilled with him before so I didn't really know what he was like, all I knew was Catherine was looking desperately for a guy and he is close enough to our age and single.  Van lives like a street over from me, so we met him at the Dunkin Donuts near my house and from there went to harvard square and just hung out.  There is something I have to share and I know it is so wrong and the only reason I'm sharing it on here is because I have to get it out. It's not like I can even tell my friends, because the only two people I'm close two are Catherine and Alex, and neither one of them can ever find out about this.  The truth is I think I literally almost fell in love with Van today, but the problem is Catherine did too.  I completely understand why though because first of all he is honestly one of the best looking guys I have ever met in my entire life, and he was wearing the cutest outfit today, it was this adorable gray jacket, a black hoodie, and jeans...I know nothing special but it looking so freaking adorable!  But anyways, aside from his amazingly good looks, the way he speaks sounds so intelligent, and he knows so much, but he's not just smart he is also funny and nice, and really down to earth.  To top that all off he is a total gentlemen, like he held doors open, offered to buy he stuff and ugh...was just so cute...like I don't understand how the hell he is freaking  single.  Too bad I already introduced him to Catherine, and he already seems to like her.  After we all hung out I texted him and asked him what he thought of her and he was like, "Haha she's super cool. It went a lot better than I expected it to, and it surprised me how cute she was (blind dates don't usually go that way), but what did she think of me?"  Like I am happy for my friend...well at least I want to be happy for her, but I can't help but be secretly jealous.  Also, like Alex hasn't seen me all weekend, and again today he had plans with me but he said he couldn't because of a family thing, and just like before it was really so he could see Eli.  But like the weird part is I totally don't give a fuck, like all I can think about is Van and how to step the fuck back and be happy for my friend.  Gosh that's going to be hard to do, but I got this.