Dec 5, 2012- The definition of love

     I know I promised I wasn't going to mention the name Alex again for a week, but today is an exception, because I actually have something to say that doesn't involve complaining.  Tonight showed me that loving isn't about having the perfect relationship, or even the perfect situation, love isn't about finding someone you have everything in common with, or someone you always get along with, it isn't about how many thoughtful things someone does for you (even thought thats is nice), or that he remembers your middle name and the time you were born haha.  Love is about knowing that all the odds are stacked agains you, but still trying, because you can't give up, because you can't imagine spending another moment without the person you love.  Alex and I were on video chat, and I was telling Alex how much I miss him, and all of a sudden, he decided he was going to come see me.  Even though he is on probation and if he gets caught he is going to jail, and if my mom catches him, that would pretty much be like relationship suicide.  Even though he has so much to lose, he is still going to walk almost 4 miles at 11 at night in the freezing cold to come fall asleep next to me.  That right there erases all the dickish things Alex has ever done, and cancels out all the moment where he should have been more thoughtful.  Him doing this honestly means more to me then anything diamond pumpkin muffin or beautiful piece of jewelry anyone could ever buy me.  I love Alex Mazko so much, and I pray tonight doesn't end badly.  If I didn't miss being in his arms so badly I honestly would discourage this, but I love Alex so much, that I honestly don't think I can bare being without him for one more second.

Dec 3, 2012- A pointless post

     Tonight there really isn' too much I have to say.  I feel as if being with Alex has made my life boring...There is nothing to talk about because everything is always the same, the same fights over the same things and it always ends up the same...with everything being all better.  Before I used to be interesting, but know I don't even know why I continue to blog, because my readers probably are thinking, "Say the name Alex again and I'll kill you."  So I won't, I am going to try to have a week of blogging that doesn't involve him...starting tomorrow, because I already failed today hahaha...hopefully tomorrow brings more interesting things my way...

Dec 2, 2012- My bipolar love

     Last night I saw a side to Alex I haven't seen before... I saw the part of Alex that really can't bare to lose me.  After I laid down next to him he kept trying to hold me, but all I could do was squirm away, because I didn't want to be held by him, I just wanted to hold myself.  Alex kept desperately repeating, "Baby please just hold me, please!"  When that didn't work he most on to trying to get pity, he continued to saying things like, "Baby please!  My own father doesn't love me! My own mother doesn't love me!"  When that tactic failed he moved to trying me make me feel obligated to stay with him, "Baby I need you, you're my rock, my support my everything! Without you I have nothing to live for! You promised you'd never leave me! You promised you'd never do this to me!"  He said, now crying, again trying to put his arms around me.  But all I could do was just take his arms off and say, "goodnight Alex."  Finally he lost it and threw all the blankets off him and started yelling, "Fuck this! I can't fucking do any of this anymore! I'm fucking don't with life!"  At this point I couldn't bare to see Alex in so much pain, so I just wrapped my arms around him and huggest held him tight.  He was still angry and tried to break free of my grip, but I wouldn't let him go until he was clam.  After that we talked, and for the first time he actually opened up to me about him problems.  Hopefully we can continue with things going well, because I would really hate to lose someone who is so important to me.

Dec 1, 2012- Words I've heard one too many times

     It the moment where I am looking into your eyes and listening to you tell me a hundred and one reasons why things aren't the way I think they are, that I realize that I'm looking into my own eyes.  I keep wondering why the words you are saying to me sound so familiar and thats when it hits me, it's because I've heard similar words so many times coming out of my mouth when trying to get out of something.  The longer I stared at you the more I realized I can't do this.  I can't always do everything, you somehow always manage to make me feel like your doing me some sort of favor by being with me, and when you actually make time for me, you make it seem like you're doing this great deed and you should be praised for it.  Now I sit here writing this post while you lay there, sleeping next to me, completely unfazed by everything that has just happened...I'm truly glad you can sleep at night knowing how badly you hurt me, and at this point I am not even angry at you, I am angry with me for constantly letting you treat me like this.