Oct 29, 2012- If only...

Well I don't really have that much to say at the moment, besides the same old complaints, I just can't help but wishing Alex was more thoughtful, I dont want him to do things for me because I ask him to. I want him to do things because he cares enough to think of things on his own... Ugh I'm also super hungry lol, you know those moments where you are super hungry, but there is nothing you really want to eat? well that is where I'm at at the moment... well maybe I will bake something? hahaha even though I am probably the worst cook ever! well it is worth a shot!

Sept 27, 2012- Winning isn't an option

Today wasn't too interesting, I started trying to learn Russian, turns out it is NOT anywhere near as easy as I thought it would be, the only think that helps is I already know the alphabet... But other then that it in nothing like french (I already speak french), French just makes sense, as does english, but russian is just...ugh!!!! But whatever, if I even want to feel like a part of his family then this is something I'm going have to do, so why not start now? Alex is really proud of me that I'm trying, but I'm super embarrassed to try to talk in front of him, because I don't want to sound stupid... This girl Ana who I go to school with, who has been trying to be my friend also speaks russian, so I asked her to teach me, but she isn't a very good teacher, plus as everyone knows she smells so freaking bad. Like nothing is worth having to sit close to her. Honestly if you are talking to anyone and you say the word smelly, their first reaction is "Ana?" hahahaha. I'm not trying to be mean, but there is such a thing as deodorant. Well anyway I spent my entire day bemused in thought, so I don't really have much to say about it, besides the fact that Asya was trying to start more shit in last period gym class. At this point this is just pathetic, I don't know how long she is going to continue this, but I don't know why she is so obsessed with me, haha like I know I'm amazing, but this is just getting weird. All she does is talk about me, and try to say things aloud about me to get a reaction out of me, so my new tactic is just going to pretend to be completely oblivious to everything she does. Hopefully soon she will get bored and find a new hobby besides trying to get to me, because it is not going to work. Ugh, I have Jiu Jitsu in an hour, I really don't want to go, I actually really don't like Jiu Jitsu. I wanted to do it 3 years ago, so my mom signed me up, but after I realized i hated it, it was too late, and my mom wouldn't let me quit. I am the only 15 year old (besides my friend Tori who isn't coming this month) with a bunch of people over the age of 20. So no one ever wants to work with me, because I am the only kid there. Plus who the hell wants to get back up and go out at 8:30 at night? Like I already took my bra off, and once that comes off and my baggy tee shirt goes on, that means I am not going back out for the rest of the night. But my mom will freak out if I don't go, I already got twice for skipping Jiu Jitsu to go chill at the mall, which is pretty good considering I skipped at least 3 months of Jiu Jitsu in total hahaha... The funny thing is my mom thinks I'm like satin's child and she only has caught me in like 20 percent of the stuff I've done, I can't even imagine what she would thing if she knew about everything! i think she would just jump off a cliff head first and sent me to a concentration camp! The worst part is I'm completely serious. That's why I've been trying to be super great lately, my plan is to not screw up for a month and gain her trust, then slowly go back to doing what I was doing, but think things through better, because even one little slip up will bring me all the way to square one, and THAT WOULD SUCK! And now that she has the Iphone 5 she wants to track my phone, so instead I set it so it says its tracking me, but instead it tracks her phone, but I didn't think this one through, because now when I go to Jiu Jitsu, shes going to think that I'm still in our house lol...fail...I swear I can't win lol... Akright well that's all, got to go to jiu jitsu.....blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sept 26, 2012- "Does anyone speak English?"

So Alex ended up picking me up from school, as it turns out his phone was broken, but he called me the second he fixed it. Asya started saying shit to me in gym, but I held my head high and told her off. After school Alex and I walked to my house where I gave him his card, with the poem I had written him in it. And he loved it and for once I could honestly tell that he was being sincere. Then my mom called me out "sick" from dance so I could go to Alex's family birthday dinner with him, at him house. Which ruined dance being my perfect excuse to get out of going without seeming like I didn't want to go. Alex practically had to drag me there, kicking and screaming because I really didn't want to go, and for good reason. It was because Alex's family didn't like me, his dad probably would have had a problem with me if I wasn't dating his son, but the fact was I was dating his son, and that would have been fine, but I wasn't white, nor was I russian. And their family was VERY russian. It wasn't only his dad either, his dad's girlfriend has also tried to pay Alex $500 in cash earlier in the week to dump me on the spot. And if all that wasn't bad enough, they all spoke russian non stop, and I didn't know a word in russian, so it wasn't like I just didn't feel like going, I had valid reasons not to go. The second I got there I put on my "mask" (my fake confidence I wear when I feel out of place and awkward). I smiled, shook hands with all the new people I met and was super friendly, but not overly friendly. In no time Alex's relatives and family friends were talking to me, even when everyone was speaking in only russian, I tried not to look like I felt out of place, because I truly wanted them to like me, because they are an extension of Alex who I love so much. And by the time the night was over I was pretty sure I had won over almost everyone except the dad's girlfriend, who I'm pretty sure was making fun of the way I looked at Alex when i was playing the piano. It didn't bother me though, because I didn't make an effort to talk to her, because I don't need nor do I want to be associated with a person like that. And I know her type and no matter how hard I tried, i knew she would never like me, so I decided early on that it just wasn't worth it. But I ended up having a really nice night, and was glad I came...but ugh I really do need to learn some russian... It's nights like these where I remember why I fell so head over heels in love with Alex in the first place, because on nights like these, the real Alex, the one who isn't trying to be something he's not shows through, the sincere and caring Alex comes back. HE is the one I fell in love with, and he is the one I want to be with forever, because in the end of the day, I loved Alex before the nice new clothes, the new haircut, and the fancy new clothes, even after finding out each and every one of his dirty little secrets from the past, it didn't change how I felt about him. well...that's all for tonight, off to go learn some russian... :/

Sept 26, 2012- Happy Birthday Alex

I tried calling Alex on my way home from Jiu Jitsu, last night at 9:30, but for some reason it went right into voice mail. I spend the majority of last night feeling pathetic and waiting for Alex to call...At around 1am I finally decided to go to bed, because he clearly wasn't going to call me. Today is his birthday, and he doesn't have school due to that fact that his school has some Jewish holiday, but my school doesn't have enough Jews, so unfortunately we still have school. So he had originally said that he would pick me up from school, but who know if he is still going to anymore because he still hasn't called. But I swear this is his last chance to prove to me he still cares and wants to make this work...If when I walk out of this school building at the end of the day and he is not standing there waiting for me, I am done. I have tried so hard to make this work, but lately it seems as if I am the only one who is putting any sort of effort into this relationship, and if that is the case, then he clearly doesn't want to be in it any longer. I wish things could be different, and there summer had never ended, but there is nothing I can do about it, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. At the moment I am sitting in the "language lab" in our french class. I'm sure there is something I am supposed to be doing, but I was way to zoned out while the teacher was talking to have any idea what is it. On one hand I hope this day goes by quickly, because I can't take the suspense. All I can focus on is if Alex is going to show up or not. But on the other hand I hope that this day drags out, because I am dreading going to gym class last period. For starters I am wearing leggings and sneaker heels (not appropriate attire for gym class). Also, this girl Asya would like nothing more then to hurt me, she has hated me every since we met, but lately things had escalated, we went from not saying to words to each other, to her trying to bitch me out in front of the entire gym class. It started Sunday, when I received a message from her on Facebook, saying I was ugly, poor and my boyfriend looked like he was 40. Three things, of which none were even remotely close to the truth. So naturally I reacted, because I am not the type to let ANYONE push me around, I don't care who someone is or who they know, but if they start with me i am going to give it right back! And I'm not just the type of person who calls someone a bitch or a whore, I go for their Achilles Heel. And that was exactly what I did to her, I hit at every weak point she had, saying things that she would think about long after the conversation was over. But I didn't solve anything, I started a war! Now all I could do was hope I had the strength to hold my own, not if, but when she came after me.

Sept 25, 2012- I can't "just get over it"

I'm at a loss, I honestly don't know what to think. I know I should be angry and walk away, because no matter how many different euphemisms you use the bottom line is my boyfriend cheated and lied. The problem is, things are never that black and white, especially when it comes to relationship. Things get complicated, impulse takes over, mistakes are made, and despite how much we regret our actions in life there isn't an undo button. The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased, only accepted. I wasn't there when any of this happened, so I will never know exactly what really happened. Alex said he was way too drunk and some girl came onto him, and after they kissed he told her to stay away from him. No, I am certainly not dense and know that there is probably a lot more to the story. So now I am faced with a tough juncture. I want to forgive Alex so badly because I love him and want our relationship to work, but I also don't want him to think he can walk all over me and fool around with whomever he pleases, because in the end of the day I will still be there. I also question his sincerity, because I know Alex and he is the worlds best actor, he can lie to anyone with out even flinching. He will say anything to get what he wants, or to get out of trouble. After this was discovered and he explained his side of the story, all he kept saying was, "baby I love you so much, and I am so sorry, I wanted to tell you I just didn't want to hurt you." I really want to believe him, but sometime it is so hard to trust him when I know what he is capable of. I just don't want to get hurt, but it seems like no matter what I decide, I am going to get hurt. If I walk away from someone I love so much and he didn't at least come after me, that would kill me, but on the other hand, if I stay and it turns out I can't trust him, that would also hurt me tremendously. The worst part is today only our two monthaversary, and already I feel like this. He also hasn't even called me yet today. But I'm not going to call him, because if i am truly worth it, he will want to call me just because he misses my voice.