Oct 14, 2014

     I once wrote before that everything in life has an expiration date, but I don't think I ever truly believed those words were true when it came to Alex and I.  I've also said that if someone lets me take advantage of them I will.  I see people like my Auntie Danielle and feel bad for her because though she has everything in the world she will never be happy because she is always looking for something better.  Though I look down on people like her for the last few months that has been me.  I have treated Alex like shit because part of me thought that he would always be around to take my shit.  Today I told him I needed to see him to get my ipod back but the truth is I could care less about the ipod, I just wanted to see him.  For the past week since we broke up I've been surprisingly alright. I haven't really had time to let myself fell the loss, but today when I saw him I couldn't help it.  Even emotion that I has pushed off came flooding to the surface, and once I started crying I couldn't stop.  He hugged me which made me feel so much worse because I knew I did not deserve that hug.  Even though I knew I didn't deserve it, I never wanted it to end.  I know everyone thinks I just need time to move on, but I honestly don't want to move on.  With Alex I feel something I've never felt before.  It's a feeling I can't even begin to describe, but I'm going to try.  When he hugs me it feels like home, like at that moment everything is so clear to me. In my mind I just wanted to beg him to be with me and tell him I would never do the things I did again. But it was one of those moments where I knew that ship had sailed a while ago, and all the "I'm sorrys" in the world could fix this mess.  He finally gave me the ipod and brought me to the train stop, but I couldn't get on the train.  I don't know why but to me getting on the train mean it was really over and honestly my heart couldn't handle it.  I have been crying for a really long time...but it also made me realize something I should have realized a long time ago. Love isn't gifts and expensive dinners, love is about finding someone who when you look at you feel at home.  Alex and I had a lot of really great moments, but I know exactly which one was my favorite. It was when Alex and I were in New Hampshire and for some reason we were fighting.  He finally came back to the room and stripped down to his boxers and got in bed with me.  We laid there in silence for what seemed like forever.  Finally I rolled over and just gently rubbed his arm.  No words were spoken at all but it was like he knew exactly what I was trying to say because a second like he pulled me close to him and whispered "I love you so much."  Right now I feel so broken that It honestly feels like I can't breathe.  It's like a movie that keeps playing over and over in my head of all the memories I hold so close to me, and even though it is so painful I don't want it to stop because those memories are all I have left.